Always the Big Girl

Well Hello!!!

2010-09-28T11:58:00.001-07:00

Hi Friends

Not sure if anyone is out there or if anyone even cares, but I've reappeared here.

Lots has been happening and the focus will be different from where this blog was, but if you are interested you can check it out.

Hope all you lovelies are as lovely as usual.

It's Time...

2010-01-25T11:04:00.001-08:00

I’ve decided to close down this blog.

My life is going in a different direction right now and feel as though my interests tugging me in a different direction. I’m finding it hard to write here, especially on a consistently heartfelt way.
I started out just wanting a place for my thoughts and instead found a place full of extraordinary people.

I wish you all well. You have been an amazing part of my life.

Be brave, be well and be happy.

Susan

The Lesson So Far

2010-01-15T12:05:00.000-08:00

Thanks all for your good thoughts and prayers.

Dad’s life if a series of doctors appointments, test, results and trying to figure out the next step.

The lesson so far is love, with all your might, the people you care about and let them know.

Think Good Thoughts

2010-01-12T18:10:00.001-08:00

I just got off the phone with my father... he's been diagnosed with colon cancer.

My dad, cancer. Augh. I know there's lots of success stories and I'm writing his now.

I love you Dad.

The Bounty

2010-01-08T10:26:00.001-08:00

Thursday’s are the day I go pick up my produce box from the local organic farmer. I’ve been doing this program since August and I split the goodies with a friend of mine. We paid $1000 ($500 each) up front for the year, which I know sounds like a butt load of cash-o-la, but if you break it down, it comes out to be less than $10/each a week, $9.62 to be exact.

Here’s the haul we got to split this week.

2 bags of salad mix
2 bags of spinach
1 bag of arugula
6 eggs
2 bunches of carrots
1 bunch of kale
3 onions
1 bag of snow peas
1 bag of snap peas
2 peppers
1 bunch of leafy greens I had never seen before

It’s all super delicious, super fresh and how spoiled am I that in the middle of winter I can be so blessed to have such a bounty.

Wordless Wednesday, a Day Late

2010-01-07T10:41:00.000-08:00

Today's list of things to accomplish

All of Me

2010-01-05T17:45:00.000-08:00

This post should come with some warnings of some pretty graphic pictures. If you have a weak disposition, you should go ahead and go else where.

As I was reading through some blogs the other day, this post really inspired me. I thought it was so brave of Tina to post pictures and that post for some reason really stuck with me the past few days.

I've always wanted to have some "before" pictures and I'm at a point right now where I'm not comfortable with how I feel or look so I'm using these as my "before" pictures. These pictures feel like something concrete, something that will keep me more in check and something that will help be a motivation. My hope is that these pictures will be a reminder of my where I want to go and things I want to accomplish.

It's hard for me to look at these pictures, but it's me and it's the truth. It's my reality and it's something that I can change.

My Word For 2010

2010-01-04T10:11:00.000-08:00

ac⋅com⋅plish [uh-kom-plish]

1. to bring to its goal or conclusion; carry out; perform; finish: to accomplish one's mission.

2. to complete (a distance or period of time): to have accomplished the age of 70; We accomplished the journey in little more than an hour.

3. Archaic. to provide polish to; perfect.

Origin: 1350–1400; ME, earlier accomplice <> ac + complir ≪ L complēre to fill; see complete
Synonyms:1. complete, fulfill; execute, effect, do.
Dictionary.com UnabridgedBased on the Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2009.

With each new year, there seems to be that fresh beginning, the optimism, the wave of new energy. As the last of 2009 faded, the word accomplish kept repeating itself to me. Accomplish. Accomplish. It chose me and it felt right to me. So, that is my word for 2010.

There’s a lot I want to do this year and this word will be used as the springboard to get me there.

I want to have the strength to follow my voice and make this the year to accomplish so many things I’ve put off, been too scared to try.

I want to get the mundane chores done. No putting off checking the homeowners policy any more. No more putting off getting the will done. No more putting off making hard choices.

Accomplish.

I want to change my body. I want to exercise more. I want to eat better. I want to feel more alive.

Accomplish.

I want to make a business out of my creativity. I have an etsy site but I need to manage it. I want to find the courage to approach schools about my snack bags. There’s a market and need for them.

Accomplish.

There’s so much to do. So much I want to get done. All this will require, focus, hard work, a positive attitude and courage. But I have a desire to see the finish line.

May your year be filled with big dreams and the power, strength and will to accomplish them.

Happy New Year

2010-01-02T18:04:00.000-08:00

May your light bring peace and happiness to all in the New Year.

Here's to a wonderful 2010 and may it be kind to all of us.

Wide Open Spaces

2009-12-30T10:52:00.000-08:00

Christmas had come and gone. Santa came and left. The Little Miss cleaned up again and luckily we didn’t get as much crap this year. Last year was filled with so much Dora stuff I thought my head was going to explode or at the very least my eyeballs were going to start bleeding. This year she got a lot of dress up clothes, games, books and pretty useful stuff.

Adding more things into our house made me think, many times over the past few days what it would be like to be in a house where you had enough storage for everything. Nice and tidy. A place for everything. We would drive past big homes and I would think to myself, I bet they have a place to put their stuff away. They probably even have cupboards that are empty and heck they probably even have extra rooms.

But then I was thinking, it’s not really the size of the house, it’s the amount of crap we have in ours. If I got rid of all the things we don’t use and all the things we have extra of, we’d have plenty of space. Craigslist and ebay, here I come.

If anyone needs anything let me know. And The Husband better stay out of my way.

All The Stockings Are Hung...

2009-12-24T11:49:00.000-08:00

We're just waiting for Santa to arrive...

Merry Christmas everyone.

Comment Here!

2009-12-23T00:10:00.000-08:00

One thing I’ve done this past year is to make a very conscious effort to buy as much of my food from local sources. Yes, it can cost more out of my pocket, but in return, I’m getting a lot of food that is grown within 25 miles of my home. That means, more time on the vine which produces better tasting food. It means, less carbon footprint, in transportation because it’s being moved 25 miles, not 2500 miles. Less packaging meaning, less waste. I’m supporting my local economy. I’m getting to know my farmers. The same farmers who are providing food and nourishment to my family and me.

I wanted to find a way to give back to the hard working men and women of an industry which seemingly on a good day is a tough business. So, let’s raise some money…

For every person who leaves a comment here between now and December 24th at 8am Pacific Time, I will donate 25 cents to American Farmland Trust.

It’s a pretty cool non-profit dedicated to helping grow foods locally, protecting the environment and saving farmlands. Since we are all in search of healthier lifestyles and doing less damage to the environment, this organization is helping fight that fight.

Their official mission is:

The mission of American Farmland Trust is to help farmers and ranchers protect their land, produce a healthier environment and build successful communities.

So hit up the comments, make me go broke!

Remember No Farms, No Food.

If you want to paste a link on your blog to this post to help in the effort, please feel free to do so. The more the merrier!

The Upcycled Sling

2009-12-22T09:34:00.000-08:00

This year, I’m trying to make as many gifts as I can. Of course, there’s still a lot that I have to buy, hence my nightmarish trip to Target, which you can read about here. But, I’m still able to make quite a few. Here’s one I’m especially proud of.

The back story is, a couple of months ago, my neighbor brought over a baby sling she wasn’t using anymore and had unsuccessfully tried to sell. We both loved the material and she was hoping I might be able to use it to make something. So, last night it went from this

to this

I know the fabric is reversed since I pulled the top photo from their website. But, you get the idea.

I think she's going to be thrilled and love seeing her daughter in it.

Ever Happen to You?

2009-12-18T08:04:00.000-08:00

Sadly, we laugh...

Have a great weekend everyone.

Attention Target Shoppers

2009-12-17T10:06:00.000-08:00

I went to Target yesterday to do some Christmas shopping. With 18 kids to shop for, I love me some dollar bins. (and no, I didn’t go and have 17 more… it’s all the nieces, nephews, friend’s kids etc… they all add up.) I found the last 2 snowmen and last 4 snow flake window decals, the last pink headband, cute divided plates, penguin socks, and bunch of great loot. I then hit up the women’s clothing section and found a couple shirts for moi. Next it was the paper plates, napkins, cat treats, and then the aisles and aisles of toys. Which, by the way… can you say a bunch of plastic JUNK?!

Anyway, I like to park my cart at the end of an aisle and walk down the aisle and check things out. I don’t like to have to try and navigate and shop at the same time. I can usually multi-task, but not when shopping for toys and driving the cart. Too many people, too many kids, too narrow a space. It’s just a hassle. So, yesterday I parked my cart, got my purse, and up and down the aisles I went, making mental notes of what there was, checking my list etc. After carefully assessing my options, I’m ready to stock up. I picked a couple things off the shelves, turned to put them in my cart and gone. Nowhere to be found. Vanished. At first, I thought I had just left it somewhere else so I looked up and down various aisles, panic. All that good dollar bin stuff gone. My shirts, gone. My paper plates, napkins, and cat treats, gone. FUCK. Gone. I almost cried.

So, I headed back to the front and started again, ever looking for my cart. I was so frustrated, I only got some of the same stuff and finished off from where I left off. I then headed to the checkout stand and there it was, the cart… my stuff from the first round mixed in with other merchandise ready to be restocked. I must have looked pathetic as I went through it pulling out the things that I really wanted but forgot to get the second time around. But, oh the joy.

So along with my advice of don’t ever wear a red shirt while shopping at Target, because you will be stopped a gazillion times and asked where something is, here’s my other piece of advice. Never, ever leave your cart at the end of the aisle while you shop.

I Need Your Suggestions...

2009-12-16T11:47:00.000-08:00

What would you do? OR in other words what should I do…

We live on a quiet dead end street. We’ve lived there for 2 years, the newbies on the block. The people next door to us are pot smoking hippies from the 60’s who live in the back house, his elderly mom in the front. Our across the street diagonal neighbors are also a couple with grown children who live with her elderly mom. He works in his yard, constantly wearing his blue shirt, blue pants, and when it’s chilly, his puffy blue down vest. He occasionally brings out his khaki outfit for special days. He limps and I suspect it’s because his hot wife who flips her hair out of her face and walks a little funny are having wild, we-don’t-have-any-kids-in-the-house and my-mother-is-deaf-sex. But that’s a completely other blog topic.

Our neighbors directly across from us have 2 kids, now in junior high school. When we moved in, the couple had separated. She had moved out. He stayed in the house with the kids. I had gone over to their house one afternoon to bring veggies from our summer garden and a woman had unexpectedly answered the door. I wasn’t expecting a woman, so I introduced myself and she quickly claimed her territory. “Hi I’m so, and so. I’m your neighbors wife and mom to kid 1 and kid 2.” She was nice but wanted to make her role very clear. I was ok with that. I only wanted to share my bounty, not swoop in on her family. I told her who I was and that I lived with my own husband and child. Once that was all clear, things were fine.

Over the past couple of years, we say hello when we see each other. We’ve never had them over for a happy hour or a BBQ, not because we don’t like them, we just never have. We are cordial and neighborly. We casually talk about whatever for a few minutes or more and then move on. Into the car, back into the house, whatever we were doing before we stopped to chat. When we ask, their daughter will occasionally feed our cats and pick up our mail when we go out of town. Here’s the question… I hadn’t seen the wife around a lot. She’s hasn’t been in the yard or cleaning up her rose bushes. I haven’t seen her getting her mail or just out and about. And then there was a sighting. She was bald. Not as in I want a new hairstyle bald, but chemo bald.

What do I do? I’d like to help someway. A meal for the family? Run some errands for them? Pick up groceries? Something? But how do I approach them? I don’t just normally go over and say hello. I don’t even have a phone number or email for them. I only talk when see each at the end of our driveways. Any suggestions on how what to do? Or should I just leave them alone and if the opportunity arises at the mailboxes, offer up a meal or something.

They’ve been on my mind since I saw her the other day. I hope she is doing well. I hope the kids are ok. It must be hard.

The Homeopath

2009-12-15T15:05:00.000-08:00

The Little Miss has suffered from eczema seemingly since the day she was born. A day hasn't gone by where we've battled to some degree about her not scratching. He's itched so much she's made herself bleed. We've seen her pediatrician, a dermatologist or two and endured a skin prick test at the allergist. We've been moved from one doctor to another looking for an answer. For relief. For something that may bring some comfort. I had a doctor tell me to use Crisco shortening as a lotion and another doctor prescribe a lotion, where the main ingredient was olive oil that cost over $100 a tube. The main remedy and general line was "she'll grow out of it."

And that's what I bought into for three and a half years.

I've lived with three and a half years of always having to have her legs covered. Leggings under dresses were my salvation. When her legs were covered, the discomfort was less. Bearable. But as soon as her pants were off, the words, "Don't scratch" almost automatically sprang from my lips.

Last month, The Little Miss had had enough. She told me she wanted to find something to make her itches go away. "Please Mama? Can we?" And when your child asks you to make her comfortable in her body, you find a way.

So, I did some research and found a homeopathic doctor. We went in for a consultation. She asked lots of questions. Many questions that were not "medical." "Does she like to play with 'boy' toys? or 'girl toys'?" "Does she like to do imaginary play?" "Does she get frustrated easily?" There was also lots of questions about our health, and habits. Questions even about my pregnancy and any issues I may have had while pregnancy.

I sat an answered a lot of question about my child. And it really made me think about her, her personality and her life. It also made me think there are a lot of things about her that I just didn't know. She just seemed to be such a complicated person at three and a half.

The doctor did her thing, did her analysis and came up with a course of action. She gave us some herbs to take, and an oral remedy she mixed up for us.

For the last 2 weeks, I've been following the regime and
giving The Little Miss Minor Cinnamon and Peoney Combination and Graphites. I've eliminated all fried food and all foods with rancid oils. And you know what? It's working.

No itching. No leggings. "Don't scratch" is no longer spewing from my mouth. It's truly amazing. It literally has brought tears to my eyes and more importantly relief to The Little Miss. I only wish I had done this earlier.

More of Me

2009-12-13T20:58:00.000-08:00

Here's a little sample of what kind of jewelry I've been making lately... hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

African Bead Bracelet

Pounded Silver with a Green Glass Bead

Pearl and Amazonite with Sterling Silver Chain

Recycled African Bottle Beads

Crazed and Sleep Deprived

2009-12-11T10:02:00.000-08:00

You miss me?

I am suffering from Bloggers Guilt. I have been crazy busy doing a lot of things except writing here. Mainly, there’s lots going on and a business of mine has taken on a life of its own and keeping me busy late into the night.

Remember my snack bags? These little goodies? Last weekend I participated in my first “Winter Boutique” and they were a big hit. The couple weeks leading up to the sale, I cut, pinned and sewed my way through about 70 of them. The sale happened and I sold a lot. Then I got a call from another group wanting my things at their sale, so I got busy again. Then, I got another call from someone who wants to put them in her store, then another call from a school who has a farmer’s market once a week and they would like to have them there on an on-going basis. And so on.

In addition to my snack bags, I’ve been creating a lot of jewelry. Necklaces, bracelets, earrings. More earrings, more bracelets, more inventory. Because I have one more sale to do next weekend and I need to have more to sell. I would rather have too much than to lose out because I didn’t make enough.

Unfortunately, all of these activities, my sewing projects, my jewelry making all has to been done while The Little Miss is dreaming of sugar plum fairies, whatever they are. She would love to “help,” but beads, pins and sharp scissors and 3 year olds don’t mix. Which means a lot of late nights.

There’s a lot happening, a lot of little details to think about and I’m trying to ride this wave while it’s happening. And most of all, I’m still enjoying it. It feels so fulfilling to create. I love the feeling of seeing an idea come to life and seeing people enjoy all my creations.

My table at the boutique

More to come about "Girl Sunday," the story behind the name, and my super cool logo.

Giving Thanks

2009-11-25T11:53:00.000-08:00

I have lots to be thankful for. I live a blessed life. I have an abundance of so much and life, for me, is easy. There are so many people in this world where getting through each day is a struggle to survive. I have clean water that runs from the tap. I don’t have to walk miles to collect it. I don’t have to worry about the cleanliness if it or bugs are lurking in it which might make me ill. I have food in my coffers. I don’t worry where my next meal is coming from. I am not scrounging for food or having to line up to get what I am given. I can choose what I want. I have a closet full of clothes. There are many in there that have hung unworn for years. I have more right now then what some will have in a lifetime. I have a home. A roof, heat, and most of all security. I don’t worry about invasions, tribal wars, or even bloodshed in my neighborhood. I have the freedom to say what I want without persecution. I have a voice. So many are silent.

This Thanksgiving, let’s give thanks and mean it. There are so many in this world with so much less. So much less than what we have that it’s hard to even imagine life in their shoes. In the grand scheme of things we live better than 99% of our fellow inhabitants on this planet, but we are all in this together. So when we get together with all our crazy and weird relatives and friends to stuff our faces, let’s complain a little less. Let’s take the time to remember just how lucky we truly are.

Be well. Be gracious. Be thankful and be giving.

It's Groundhog Day Around These Parts

2009-11-11T10:43:00.000-08:00

Yes, I’m here. Still around, but not much is happening, which makes blogging a little challenging.

I feel like my life is groundhog day. Same thing. Every. Single. Day.

Wake up.

Get up.

Get The Little Miss Up.

Listen to some whining, by everybody in the family.

Get breakfasts going.

Make lunches, while The Husband and The Little Miss eat.

The Husband leaves.

Clean up kitchen from breakfast and lunch assembly.

Get The Miss Ready for school… peeps, brush teeth, play store so can pick out her clothes, get her dressed, brush her hair, get sock and shoes on, get a sweater.

Make beds.

Get myself ready for the day.

Grab everything we need and leave.

Drop The Little Miss off at school.

Talk to her teacher for a bit.

Talk to the other parents, pretend to be interested while keeping one eye on the clock so I’m not too late for work.

Drive to work.

Plunk myself down in my cubicle, the same jail cell, I’ve been in for 15+ years.

Work my ass off.

Wish that I had time and something interesting to blog about.

Spend 4 hours at work, doing pretty much the same thing I’ve been doing for 15+ years

Go pick up The Little Miss from school

Run errands.

Get home.

Fix dinner.

Wait for The Husband

Fix dinner for The Little Miss since she’s hungry and wants to eat.

The Husband gets home.

Have dinner

Clean the kitchen.

Get The Little Miss ready for bed.

Put her to bed, kicking and screaming.

Plunk down on the couch for a breather.

Get my second wind.

Sew, craft, make jewelry or something creative.

Take a shower

Crawl into bed

Read.

Sleep, for 6 hours.

Get up and repeat.
That’s been my life for the past several weeks. Nothing new to report, but I’m still here.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-10-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

Last Beach Day of 2009?

Random Thoughts on Halloween

2009-10-27T11:55:00.001-07:00

1. Kids should get dressed up and go trick or treating, not teenagers.

2. Trick or treating at the mall is wrong. There has to be at least one safe neighborhood you can hit up.

3. A woman should be able to find a costume that isn't the slutty version of cop, nurse, cheerleader, doctor, angel, devil or whatever it is.

4. More people should make their kids costumes and not just buy them. It's a great way for kids to participate and make it even more special.

5. When it this holiday become ultra-commercialized?

6. I love candy corn.

My Friday Night

2009-10-26T10:32:00.000-07:00

We met about 5 years ago. In that 5 years, both he and I got married, to different people. I saw him on Friday. Sitting across from each other, I had that feeling. He leaned in. He cupped his hand around the back of my neck. Butterflies. We kissed, for the first time ever. We quickly released from each other and had that startled look on our faces, franticly looking around the room to see if anyone saw. We both knew we shouldn’t have done what we did and were afraid of getting caught.

This happens to me occasionally. I dream about people I know in real life. We hook up to some degree and in my dreams I know it’s wrong and am afraid of The Husband finding out. Sometimes it is with people I think that if my situation was different we’d get together. But, it’s rather creepy when it’s someone I have no attraction to in my waking hours. I’m always embarrassed to see them after one of my dreams, thinking they might know for some reason.

Does stuff like this ever happen to you?

A Whole New World

2009-10-23T12:40:00.001-07:00

Friday. The last day of the week. Ice cream day. Sleep over day. Rewards for a milestone week at school.

She started to read. Sounding out words. Putting the sounds together and in the process opening up a whole new world. Words are her thing. A reader at 3 and a half. Amazing.

She inherited the love of reading from both sides. We are both readers and now a family of three, reading.

At bedtime, I asked, “who do you want to read books to you tonight?”

“I’m going to read. To the adult.”

“The adult?”

“Yeah, Mama. You.”

So she read. To me. No longer me to her, but her to me. Slowly sounding out the words.

I’m so proud.

The Big Break-Up

2009-10-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Scale,

I have to end our relationship. It’s not you, it’s me. I’ve changed and I just don’t seem to want you anymore. It’s not that I don’t care what you have to tell me, but the numbers just don’t seem to matter. I weigh what I weigh and what you tell me won’t make any difference. I feel good these days and I don’t need you to tell me otherwise.

There’s other ways to confirm what is happening. I can tell if I’m gaining or losing by the tightness of my clothes. I can tell the good days from the bad and I don’t want to base my success on the numbers you tell me. There are other successes in this journey besides your digital readout. And frankly, sometimes I think you lie to me.

So good-bye. You’ve tortured me enough. I know this will be hard on me because you’ve been a weekly reminder for over a year now, but I’m over it. I want to feel my way though this based on other factors, not just a number. I am eating fresh healthy foods because it tastes better. I scarcely eat sugar because it makes me sluggish. I exercise because it gives me energy. I’m doing what feels right for me and I don’t want you or anyone else to tell me it’s not working, because for me this way is working just fine.

So good luck to you. I wish you well. I’m sure you’ll find someone who will appreciate you as much as I once did.

My Personal Science Experiment

2009-10-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I’m now into my 6th day of “Project Cleanse.” And I have to say, I think things are working. I don’t want to go into too much detail because I don’t really like to talk too much about my own bodily functions. If they were someone else, no problem, but me? I’m too modest.

But for the sake of information, and since AllThingsJuice was so interested I’m setting my modesty aside. Here’s what’s going on. I haven’t been gassier than normal, but the smell, oh my. Pungent. I’ve kept my diet the same as always, but I’ve been having more “movements” than normal. Instead of going once a day, I’m now up to 2 to 4 times a day and they are bigger and softer. There also seems to be more chunks of stuff in them. And, no I don’t normally make it a habit of inspecting my poop, but since Project Cleanse has been happening, I’m a little more curious than normal.

I’ve been trying to stick closer to home than I usually do, for obvious reasons. I also feel lighter, for obvious reasons. I feel better, have a little more energy and am sleeping better. I can’t directly attribute all these things to Project Cleanse, but who knows and that’s what’s happening right now. I’ll continue to do Project Cleanse for the recommended 10 days. I’m not sure how often it’s recommended, but I would do this again.

Sorry this is so disgusting. I hope when we all meet you won’t look at me with that strange deer-in-the-headlights look because this is all way too much talk and information.

Rhymes With It

2009-10-16T11:10:00.000-07:00

“Mama, listen to my rhyme. Sit, mitt, lit, bit, tit, shit, pit.”

“Oh, honey, that’s great rhyming.”

That’s my girl.

My Favorite Beverage or Not

2009-10-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I bought a jar of Colon Cleanse capsules from Trader Joes. The label reads:

“Take 4 capsules 3 times daily with 10 to 12 ounces of water, juice or your favorite beverage. Taking this product without enough liquid may cause choking.”

Choking? What? Seriously? Would that sort of be like choking from the inside out?

And since I don’t think I should be drinking 10 to 12 ounces of, ahem… “my favorite beverage” 3 times a day, I guess I’ll just stick with water. Lots of it.

They Fit!

2009-10-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

I fit into my jeans today. A couple weeks of watching what I shove in my mouth makes a big difference.

And to those of you who wanted to know where yesterday's pictures were taken... it's the Eastern Sierras, near Mammoth.

Where I've Been

2009-10-13T10:32:00.001-07:00

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why this is one of my favorite spots in the world. The Husband, The Little Miss and I made another trek up to the mountains again this past weekend. Got in one last trip in before the snow started to fall and was able to get a peak at some of the fall colors.

We hiked under cool sunny skies. Made s’mores by the fire at night. The Little Miss kept asking why it was so quiet.

Today, back to my cubicle at work. Depressing.

I've Been Thinking...

2009-10-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

I can’t believe it’s already Thursday, where did this week go? I guess I’ve been busy since I haven’t had really had a chance to post since Monday. Not sure what I’ve been busy with, but the time has been flying by.

The weather here has started feeling like fall. The sun is still warm, but there is a coolness in the air that makes it just perfect to take afternoon walks. I’ve been leaving The Little Miss in school to nap her afternoon away which has given me a couple of hours to stroll around the neighborhood.

My mind wanders when I walk and in my mind have total freedom to dream. I’ve been dreaming big and feel like the next few years there’s going to be a shift in my life. Not sure where the antsy-ness of current situation is coming from, since I’m in a good groove but I feel like there is more in me than what I’ve been doing. I think if someone was going to write my story, they would have to include phrases like “untapped potential” or “never tried things she wanted” or even worse, “was too afraid to try.” I know in my Zen like thinking, even if I do take a leap, the landing will be soft where ever I find myself.

So, I’m thinking about my 5 year plan. I visualize what I want my life to look like in 5 years. I looks remarkably similar to what I have now, The Husband, The Little Miss, and me. But I’d love to live in a simpler place. I’d love to be able to set my schedule. I’d love to be able to create beautiful things. I’d love to grow garden flowers and pick produce from my own garden. I’d love to have more space around me to breathe deeply. I’d like to relax more.

Honesty to the life I want.

Simplicity.

People Are Lazy

2009-10-05T09:28:00.001-07:00

Don’t get me wrong, I love Trader Joe’s and I’m all about making things easy and simple. But really, this? Pre-cooked plain pasta? Seriously? Are people now too busy and/or too lazy to boil water?

For some reason, this just seems wrong to me, but sadly, I think a lot of people will think this is the best thing since sliced bread.

Bite Me

2009-10-01T10:30:00.001-07:00

I’m starting something new today. Something I’ve been putting off for probably a year now. Something I’ve never done before and something I know a lot of you are doing. And something I’ve quite frankly been afraid to do. Afraid to do it because I’m scared of the truth.

Today, I write my food intake down. Augh. I’ve done this with the money I spend and have found huge gaps in what I think I’m spending and what I really am spending. It’s helped me be more conscious of where the money is going and has helped me focus on spending more wisely. I have a feeling that is what is going to happen with my food diary. What I think I eat is probably far different from what I actually eat. It’ll be interesting to see.

I promise not to bore you daily with all the details of what I am eating every day but, today I'll bore you just a little. So far this morning:

½ turkey sandwich. Whole wheat bread, turkey, lettuce, tomato, and mustard
½ decaf coffee, 1 tablespoon cream

And almost more importantly what I didn’t eat (and maybe I should keep a separate list of this) a brownie from the tray of The Little Miss and I baked up a couple nights ago.

Trying to Get Back In

2009-09-28T11:36:00.001-07:00

To be honest, with you and more importantly myself, I haven’t really cared about my weight the last couple months. Well, I guess cared isn’t really true, because I do care. It’s the acting on it that’s been the challenge for me. I haven’t gone totally overboard because my core diet is a good one. I eat pretty well, a healthy portion of veggies, very little sweets and generally lean proteins, but regardless of that, I’ve gained weight over the last 8 weeks or however long it’s been.

My pants are a little tighter. My shirts fit a little more snug. The second chin is coming back. I don’t like it. I need to get back to the exercise because that and moderation on my food intake is key. For me, that’s the combination that works. Exercise and eating in smaller portions.

So, I sit and ask myself, what is it going to take to get me back to being more conscious? What is it going to take to get me motivated again? What’s it going to take to flip that switch in my brain that tells me, no, don’t eat that second piece. Yes, go for that walk. Remember how much you enjoy it?

My advice to myself is this. Make good choices. Think about the consequences. Be kind to yourself. Don’t be overwhelmed by the big picture, break it down into small pieces and acknowledge even the smallest of victories.

What’s your advice to me?

Food In Real Life

2009-09-25T11:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes what you see isn't what you get.

Here's some good examples of that.

Wifely Duties

2009-09-23T10:26:00.000-07:00

Well we did it last night. The Husband and I had sex. Shockingly. Why you ask? Well, the simple answer to that is, because we’re married. And as all you married folk know, married people, especially those that have kids, just don’t knock boots very often. It’s not because the desire isn’t there, it is. But, that desire is often hiding in some deep dark closet and disguised as something else. It’s hardly recognizable.

For me it’s the getting started. He touches me and inwardly, I say no. But soon, I let go of the day’s stresses, the list of things that need to get done gets tossed aside. I stop thinking about the pile of laundry or what is on my list of things to do the next day. And the “no” turns into, “oh, this isn’t so bad.” The thought of I’d rather be sleeping and sugar plums turns into I guess I better do my wifely duty. Then the thought of wifely duty turns into I want to be a nasty bad girl tonight.

We do our thing, we connect and it’s good it’s better than good. I forget how much I enjoy the physicality of the act. How nice it is to feel uninhibited. How natural it is to be with someone else. How nice it is to be pleasured and to reciprocate. With the dampness of a light sweat on our bodies, we promise each other to “do it” more often. We feel connected and we feel like we’re on the same side again.

This morning when he left, the I love you sounded a little more sincere, there was a lightness in our steps and the little slap on my tush seemed like aplayful and a reminder of the fun we both had last night.

So people, feel the love and make it happen. Go have fun with your partners. They will appreciate it, you’ll appreciate it and really, go ahead and set aside your lists, your worries and forgo that sleep because really, it only takes 20-30 minutes.

And the Winner Is...

2009-09-16T10:44:00.000-07:00

Drumroll please, confetti, balloons, marching band...

Momma to Twin Girls

Email me at biggirl65(@)gmail.com to collect your snack bag! (Fruitloops not included, sorry.)

For anyone else that is interested in having one or two or 17 of these cute little things, let me know and I’ll sew them up, just for you.

Gone Fishing

2009-09-11T10:59:00.001-07:00

I’m heading out of town, up to the Eastern Sierras near Yosemite, this weekend for a little high country mountain air. It’s a long drive, about 6-7 hours but once we get there, I totally forget my worries. We’re going to our family cabin, a piece of land that has been in our family for nearly 100 years. A place where there is still a door jamb that has height markings from when I was a child and where I measure the Little Miss, comparing out heights from when were both just years old.

One thing I won’t forget is the BigGirl give-away for these super cool, groovy reusable snack bags. Comment me and you’re in for the drawing. You never know.

I’ll be out until Wednesday, gasping for air at 8000 feet, hiking the hills, smelling the smells of freshness and fall. I’ll announce the winner when I return so make sure you check back.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-09-10T11:06:00.001-07:00

The Definition of a Girl

Coming off the holiday, I'm all messed up with the days, so I'm celebrating Wordless Wednesday on Thursday. If you don't like it, too bad.

Remember, the BigGirl give away ends soon... so join in!

Sending Our Love

2009-09-09T11:08:00.001-07:00

If you haven't already, please go give our friend some love. She can sure use our support right now.

Win Something Here! It's Give Away Day!

2009-09-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

I could also title this post shameless self promotion, but that wouldn't be nearly as catchy. I'm excited because, it’s a big day here at BigGirl… it’s a give-away day!

A chance for you to win something made by me. Yep, yours truly.

I’ve been sewing these bags of late and using them a lot in The Little Miss’ lunch bag. They go to school with her filled with her favorite snacks, nuts, cereal, pretzels, cheese, apples, cookies and anything that I would normally put in a zip lock bag that isn’t too wet. I’ve also been using them for things of my own, my lipsticks, coins, receipts, and jewelry. The uses are endless.

The outside is made from 100% cotton and the lining is 100% food safe water resistant nylon, (most water proof nylon is not food safe.) There are no exposed seams so food or crumbs won’t be caught in the threads. They are completely washable and safe to be tumble dried on low, but really just a good shake and wipe cleans the inside pretty well. I love that I am using these and not throwing as many zip lock bags into the landfill.

The finished pouch is approximately 5x7 and I can custom make them in any size.

You want one you say? Well, leave me a comment and I’ll be giving one away to a lucky randomly picked person. Contest will run until the end of the week.

Didn’t win? I am selling these for $6.50 plus a little for shipping so please convo me by leaving me a comment or you can email me at biggirl65(at)gmail.com

Whatcha think?

Answers

2009-09-04T11:48:00.000-07:00

The answer to yesterday’s guessing game is, I’m 44. Thanks to all of you who played. Thanks to anonymous for guessing in my 50’s and making me laugh. For all of you who guessed in my 30’s you are all now my new bestest of friends. And a special shout out to Tina who commented about my necklace. It’s one that I made a while ago and I love it when people notice and comment about the things I make. I’m a whore that way.

I don’t feel like I’m in my mid-40 (gulp, gasp), although my knee today feels like it’s 104. Sore and achy, not sure why. I still feel like I’m in my 30’s which I love since I loved my 30’s. 40’s so far, not bad, just different. Different as in like a lot more responsibility, as in like a child, a husband, and a big fat mortgage.

To follow up on some other news, I never heard back from The Bride about this. I’m honestly not surprised, but I wished I had gotten some sort of response back. There’s a couple possible scenarios. One, is that she still just didn’t get it and the other, she got it and didn’t know what to say. I’ll say it’s the former.

Have a lovely weekend everybody. I’m off to have a childless, adults only dinner on Saturday and I’m not sure if I’ll know how to behave or have a conversation with other adults without children interrupting us all the time. Sunday is a beach day. The weather here has been hot, too hot for too long and I’m ready to plant myself at the beach. All. Day. Long. There’s also lots of sewing and craft projects in the works so hopefully next week, I’ll have some more pictures of my creations to share.

A Birthday Game

2009-09-03T09:42:00.001-07:00

Let’s have a little fun today and play a game.

This may be a little bit mean, but it’s my birthday and here’s a no make-up, i-phone picture I took of myself this morning.

How old do you think I look?

And really, what's up with those bags under my eyes?

CSA's and A Rant

2009-09-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

I had a few comments from my post yesterday asking how to join in a CSA? I originally heard about mine through an article in the local news paper and asked around from there. There’s also this website which might be a good starting point, however, I know by looking at the farms they had listed in my area the list is very incomplete. If you have a local farmers market and there’s a particular stand you get a lot of your produce and fruit from, just ask directly there.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!

On another note, The Husband is completely bugging me today. He’s going into work late this week which means he’s around disrupting my morning routine. And how is it that he is having a leisurely morning and I am rushing around getting lunches ready for him, The Little Miss and me. How is it that he is having a leisurely morning and I am getting The Little Miss ready for school. How is it that he is having a leisurely morning and I still have to rush to drop her off and rush to work, hoping I get there before my 9 o’clock meeting starts? Do you think he’ll step up at all and volunteer to take her at least once this week? Hell no. He won’t unless I tell him, I mean ask him nicely, to do it.

I’ll rant more about me being the cruise director and how all women of the families keep the shit together.

Have a nice day.

Support A Farmer

2009-08-31T11:27:00.001-07:00

So I went ahead and joined a CSA last week. A CSA you ask? Yes, Community Supported Agriculture. Basically, it’s a food subscription. You pay a local farmer up front by the quarter or year and in return you are given a box of produce each week. I split my membership with a friend since I knew my family of three wouldn’t be able to eat a whole box each week.

There are a lot of farmers starting with CSA’s in our community. We chose ours because he has been a successful farmer for many years, so we are familiar with the quality of this goods and we know he’ll be around (hopefully) for many more years. We also choose our farmer because he all of his produce is organic. Not just, no spray. Not just natural or all those other euphemisms but organic.

Our membership cost $1000 a year. Ouch, you might be thinking, but in reality since I split it my half was $500. I know that’s still a lot of money, but weekly that comes to $9.62 a week. That’s less than $10 a week for fresh organic produce that is picked within 15 miles of my house. Produce that is picked the same day as my pick up. You really can’t beat that.

I picked up our first box last Thursday and look at what we got.

2 cantaloupe
4 avocados
1 bag of green beans
1 bag of spinach
1 bag of lettuce greens
1 onion
5 tomatoes
1 pint of strawberries
3 squash
4 peppers

I took half of that which I think is a pretty good deal for $9.62.

I better start eating more of it cuz I got another box coming in just a few more days.

Randomness...

2009-08-27T11:28:00.001-07:00

Chirp chirp... I hear crickets.

Haven't heard anything back from The Bride about it yet. I have a feeling I won't.

___________________________________________

Don't make the same mistake I did yesterday. When you go shopping at Target, make sure you don't wear a red shirt unless you don't mind telling people where certain things are in the store.

____________________________________________

I'm off with The Little Miss to San Francisco. I'm looking forward to our 5 hour road trip tomorrow with her chatting away. Wish me luck. Give me (or her) drugs, please.

Well, I've Gone & Hit Send

2009-08-26T10:52:00.001-07:00

About my last post.

First, I think Hanlie is right. I really don’t think The Bride even made the connection. Why would she? She’s been pretty clueless about a lot of things lately and I’m sure what she said in her email made absolutely ZERO impression on her.

So, on the encouragement of a lot of you out there namely Shelly, Cammy, and Juice I went and sent this to her:

Speaking of going out of town... Did you book your trip to your cousin’s wedding? I know you were balking at the $1200, but in reality, that’s not that bad. Just our airfare to come out to DC was that, so if you can do your whole trip for that rate, I think that’s pretty good. And besides, I know you appreciated everyone travelling to your wedding and I’m sure it would mean a lot for your cousin for you to go to hers.

It was the nicest way I could tell her what I really wanted to say.

Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh

2009-08-24T10:29:00.000-07:00

I got this email from The Bride over the weekend. I totally had to laugh, because is it not funny how your perspective changes when the shoe is on the other foot. I was complaining about the same things to myself about her wedding when she had no challenge about the amount of money people were spending to go to her wedding.

Read it and laugh with me.

We are trying to figure out our fall schedule right now. My cousin is getting married in Laughlin NV in October and I really want to go. The bummer is that they are doing it in Laughlin (adds a rental car and an additional couple hours of travel to the already long trip) and a few weeks before Thanksgiving, so it's tough. I figure it will cost us around $1200 for a super fast 3 1/2 day trip.

$1200! That's nothing... I spent that much on airfare alone.

Welcome to the world, my friend.

Are You an Athlete?

2009-08-19T07:28:00.000-07:00

I saw this in my Title Nine catalog yesterday from Missy Park, the founder of the company. It really hit a cord with me.

An Athlete is….

A mom squeezing in her workout before the kids wake up.

Candace Parker squeezing in one more rep as she prepares her post-partum body for another season of pro hoops.

A woman who juggles work commitments but never forgets her commitments to herself.

That woman on the elliptical breaking bad habits as she builds a better body.

Dara Torres breaking barriers even if she’s not breaking records.

A girl discovering the competent machine that is her body.

A woman discovering the same thing.

By that definition, I'm an athlete.

What is an athlete to you?

Todays Post Brought To You By the Letter F

2009-08-13T10:22:00.000-07:00

The scene from last night:

She saw the others I was making for the other kids.

“I want one Mama, with an F on it.”

“OK sweetie, I’ll make one, just for you.”

Since I finished the others shirts last night, I got up early to have hers ready before she woke up.

Scene from this morning:

“Hide your eyes, I said.”

She closed her eyes, and asked, “can I open them now?”

“In a second.”

“Now?”

“Yes, now.”

Stare. Blank. Nothing.

“Isn’t that what you wanted? An F?”

“No, mama, I wanted a T. I don’t want an F. And I didn’t want polka dots.”

“What?”

“I wanted a T. I don’t want an F. And I didn’t want polka dots.”

“Seriously? So you don’t want this one? This one, that I got up early to make? Just. For. You?”

“No.”

“So really, you don’t want it?”

“No.”

“So, I can give it way to another girl whose name starts with F?”

“Yes.”

“Whatever.”

So… if any of you out there know of a girl who wears a 4T and her name starts with an F, let me know.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-08-12T11:54:00.001-07:00

This Litte Miss and her friend

To Do List for Today

2009-08-11T12:08:00.000-07:00

My to do list:

Make lunches –done, made 3 lunches this morning
Sort and do laundry (5 loads) – started 2 of them this morning before leaving
Make beds - done
Get The Little Miss ready for school – done
Drive The Little Miss to school – done
Put in 4 hours at work
Clean up the kitchen
Empty the dishwasher
Pack and ship items sold on ebay
Come up with a name for my etsy shop
Go to my doctors appointment
Go to the farmer’s market
Pick up The Little Miss from school
Make dinner
Sleep

Some days seem too busy. Today is certainly one of them.

Coming Out of My Ears

2009-08-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

2009 Peach Crop

I have a feeling I'll be busy making peach jam, peach pies, peach cobblers and freezing a lot of peaches this weekend.

Seems they all come ripe on the exact same day.

_______________________________

On another note, do any of you readers out there have an Etsy shop? I'm thinking of jumping in and would love some advise. Please contact me at biggirl65(at)gmail.com if you do and you'd be willing to help me out.

Thanks.

Dinner Tonight

2009-08-05T11:04:00.000-07:00

Linguine with Tomatoes and Herbs

1 pound tomatoes, cored and finely chopped
1 tablespoon chopped basil
1 tablespoon chopped parsley
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 teaspoons kosher salt
1 small red chile, seeded and minced
1/3 cup extra-virgin olive oil
12 ounces linguine
3 baby zucchini, thinly sliced
1/4 cup freshly grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese, plus more for serving

In a large bowl, toss the tomatoes with the basil, parsley, garlic, salt, chile and olive oil.
In a large pot of boiling salted water, cook the linguine until al dente; drain well. Add the linguine to the bowl along with the sliced zucchini and toss. Add the 1/4 cup of grated cheese, toss again and serve in bowls, passing more cheese at the table

Dinner will be served around 7 o'clock, you bring wine.

See you all later!

I wish.

Women Lay Face Down, Men Lay Face Up

2009-08-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon. The Husband had taken The Little Miss for the day so the house was seemed too empty and quiet. A perfect day to relax, reflect and clear my mind. I drove down to the beach to catch the breeze in my hair and let my thoughts wander to other spaces.

I headed left. The sun in my face, the breeze at my back, and cool water lapping at my feet. I tuned into my music and put one foot in front of the other. Walking further from the crowds the space emptied out. Only a few people sunbathing here and there. And then none. My own little piece of beach. Peace. Quiet. Me. Alone.

I wandered a little further and could see the next enclave of people enjoying their Sunday. Dogs playing fetch, while their owners threw sticks and balls. Couples lying together. People solo, enjoying the sun on their bodies. Closer, closer, hmmm something seems different. Do I really see what I think I see? One foot in front of the other. Closer, closer and yes. It is what I think I see. Nakedness. Everyone. Naked. OMG.

Don’t stare. Look straight ahead. Wait, I want to peek. If I keep my head straight and just move my eyes as far as possible to the side, can I get a glimpse? Who are these people? Do I know any of them? No, don’t look. OMG, here’s a guy walking down the beach. We’re on a collision course. Where do I look now? His face? His body? His penis? Crap. What to do. Stay calm. Just pretend he has clothes on, say a brief hello.

“Hello”

“Hey”

He passed, but I did look. He was hung.

I kept walking and thinking. Mainly wondering what it might be like to confident enough with your body to the point of feeling okay with being naked in public. I’m so far from being there, I can’t even imagine. It must be fun. And freeing. I still don’t like to be naked in front of my husband, let alone being naked at all. I like the comfort of hiding myself behind my clothing. I have folds where there should be none. I have stretch marks all over my belly, breasts, arms and legs. I have so much I hide. I have too much I hide.

I’m envious of those who can bare all. I wish it was me, but for now, it’s now. And for those of you who do bare all, why is it that while I was walking down the beach I noticed most women lay face down while the men, like to lay face up with their manliness exposed to the world?

Twirly Girl

2009-08-03T10:59:00.001-07:00

I was going to blog today about how someone in my house has lost 6 pounds in the last 2 weeks. And no it wasn’t me.

I was going to blog today about the really nice walk I went on this weekend, but I’m not.

I was going to blog about the new yummy yogurt I tried today, but I’m not.

I was going to blog about the girls night out I had last night, but I’m not.

Instead, I’m going to show off to you this dress I made for The Little Miss this weekend.

Is this not the cutest thing ever? Well maybe not ever, but I’ve been patting myself on the back so much that my arm hurts. Now I just need to train The Little Miss to say, “Look at this dress my Mom made for me. Isn’t it so super cute?”

Twirly Girl

I'm A Bad Blogger

2009-07-31T10:47:00.000-07:00

I’ve been a bad blogger as of late. To me, writing and posting is only part of blogging. The other component is reading and commenting on what everyone else had decided to share with the world. And that’s where I’ve come up short the past couple of weeks. I blog at work. And when work is busy, my fun gets pushed to the side. Lately in my work world, I’ve been busy. Really busy. I work partially on commission which means when I get the opportunity, I need to really push. I wish I could easily flip my priorities and blog more and work less, but that’s not a possibility right now.

So seriously people, I want to thank you all for sticking with me, reading and leaving your precious comments, even when I’ve been so bad about getting to you all. I want to tell you I will get around to the hundreds of posts lined up in my Google Reader, but I won’t. I want to tell you I will be back to commenting soon, but I won’t. I want to tell you things will get slower at work, but they won’t. I’m not sure when this title wave of work will recede but when I do, I’ll shift again into being a better blogger.

In the mean time, my shout out of the week goes to Gigi at Chunky Monkey Mama who makes me laugh. She left this comment:

I'd have the little darling's eyes tested.

after reading this post.

That was brilliant.

Just Something You Should Ever Do

2009-07-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

To the lady who was talking on her cell phone in the public bathroom at the airport,

What’s the deal? Was what you were blabbering about so important that you had to have that conversation while you were “voiding” your bodily fluids? Did the other person think that all the flushing from the toilets was just static on the line?

Did you think that it was ok? Because, it’s not. There is absolutely NO reason you need to have a conversation on your phone while you are taking a dump, especially in the stall next to me. Absolutely no reason. At. All. N.O.N.E.

That was totally gross, disgusting and rude.

Don’t ever do that again, please.

Thank you.

Cost, $17.80

2009-07-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

I’m lucky enough to live in a town which has a Farmer’s Market I can easily get to any day of the week. Lately I’ve been going, with The Little Miss, every Tuesday to pick up fruit and produce for the week. Every week, there is so much I want to get and every week, I stick to my guns and buy only what I think we’ll be able to eat..

I thought I share with you all, just a bit of the wonders of our market.

To me, tomatoes are the epitome of summer

My favorite herb seller, all organic

Peppers, eggplant, squash, tomatoes, eggs

Berries, berries, berries...think of all the fruit pies!

Rows and rows of peaches

Beautiful Gerber Daisies

This is what I ended up buying from the market yesterday. I'll supplement the bounty of beans, tomatoes, squash, peppers and herbs from my own garden and be set for the week.

1 cantaloupe, 1 white peach, 2, yellow peaches, 3 nectarines, 2 gala apples (the first of the season), 2 bunches of grapes, 1 basket of raspberries, 1 basket of strawberries and one head of lettuce... cost $17.80.

Sometimes the Truth Hurts

2009-07-28T11:43:00.000-07:00

What The Little Miss told me the other day:

“Mama, your tummy is getting big”

Ouch.

Menu Planning Monday

2009-07-27T11:03:00.000-07:00

I know when I plan in advance I tend to better, in fact much better, with my eating for the week. It’s also nice to have a plan so when I go to the market, I know what I’m getting and can stay focused and not buy food that will sit and rot in the fridge. So, here’s the menu for the week.

Monday: Dinner at my mom’s house

Tuesday: The Husband is working late so The Little Miss and I are going out for sushi. There’s a Japanese restaurant in town that has all the sushi ½ off from 5p-6p which then make this outing someone affordable. The Little Miss will eat edamame, rice and tofu, while I feast on my favorites.

Wednesday: Orzo with grilled chicken, fresh garden tomatoes, thyme, and feta cheese

Thursday: Dad’s coming over for dinner so we’ll cook one of his favorites, grilled salmon. From my garden we’ll pick lettuce and tomatoes for a salad and pick fresh green beans which I’ll steam and add a bit olive oil.

Friday: Pasta with homemade pesto, shrimp, tomatoes and shaved parmesan cheese. Served with squash from the garden.

Saturday: BBQ day… Buffalo burgers (from Trader Joes), watermelon, and green salad

Sunday: Homemade pizza night.

What’s on the menu at your house?

If Haven't Already...

2009-07-23T12:22:00.001-07:00

Go see this movie. It will change your life.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-07-22T10:32:00.001-07:00

From my garden

More Wedding Stuff...

2009-07-21T10:51:00.000-07:00

The Bride and Me

“Call me when you get in,” she said. “We’re having a BBQ at the house and I’d love for you to come.”

I called. No answer. No call back.

That’s how it started.

I tried to set aside my negativity about the whole affair. It wasn’t fair to her or me to be the one that brought things down. My friend seemed happy and that’s what I wanted her to be. I tried to channel her energy. Excitement. Bridal bliss. Being the one that finally is walking down the aisle last. I had my turn and now it was hers.

I didn’t see The Bride until the next morning. She looked tired. I figured it was from all the last minute planning that needed to be done, but it wasn’t that. I later found out from her sister the reason for the big bags under her eyes. He’s a night owl and “she can’t go to bed until he does.” I couldn’t respond since things like that don’t exist in my world. My picture was becoming more clear. This is just another way for him to control her.

The days before the wedding went quickly. The Husband and the Little Miss went off doing their thing. Touring around Washington, seeing pandas at the zoo and eating ice cream in the warm weather. They were having fun. I ran errands for The Bride. Things that still needed doing. Although I missed my family, I was happy to help. I needed to help to connect myself more with this wedding. Although I was very happy to be so far away for all of the planning, I needed this time to bring myself into the reality of the moment. This transition in my friend’s life.

The wedding went off without a hitch and no one was the wiser to all the last minute chaos. A full Catholic Mass followed by a reception full of sin. The blue in the banquet room didn’t clash with the blue of our dresses, which was once a concern. Bright flower centerpieces made the room pop. Everything looked spectacular.

The beauty of the wedding seemed to flawlessly cover up my distaste for Mr. Buzzkill like a pretty veneer. Much of the actual day, I was truly happy and excited. A new life for them together. I had hope. I even had thoughts of “this just might work.”

But all that excitement has now faded. And now my skepticism about the whole marriage is back. How could you be with someone who dictates when you go to bed? who tells you what gym you can go to? what friends you can have? what jobs you can apply for? But on the other hand, how can you let someone control you like that? How can my strong independent, free thinking friend morph into someone I don’t recognize?

I don’t think this marriage will work. But I do know I flew across the nation to be the Matron of Honor at her wedding. To be with my friend for better or worse. For richer or poor and in sickness and in health.

___________________________________________

And yes, I did delete the picture of Mr. Buzzkill. Although I thought the comparison was perfect, I wasn't feeling good about posting what I had.

Details to Follow...

2009-07-20T10:46:00.001-07:00

I’m back.

Wedding over.

I survived.

Hope they are happy.

Wedding Bells

2009-07-13T12:32:00.000-07:00

Rush, rush, rush. That’s what this week is going to be. We leave on Wednesday for Washington DC for The Wedding. The one where I had to buy my “Matron of Honor” (can that sound any more frumpy?) dress, buy my silver strappy sandals, the one that is costing $350 a ticket to fly across the country, the one that is costing $180 ( or so) a night for a hotel room, the one that that I’m not paying over $100 to get my hair done, the one that The Husband is not going to pay $130 to play golf the day before, the one where The Groom, Mr.Buzzkill, was “concerned about the quality of the dress” I bought for The Little Miss.

This is the wedding of a friend of mine who I have known for about 15 years. I love her dearly. But sadly she is not the person I have known. When she met Mr.Buzzkill she was involved in a book club. Today, no. Why? Because he didn’t like some of the girls in the group. When I ask her for book recommendations, she can’t tell me the last book she read. Why? Because Mr.Buzzkill likes to watch TV all the time (even in bed at night) and she can’t read when it’s on. When she wanted to join a gym… no. Because he wanted her to go across town to work out at the gym at his office building. When she wanted to apply for an opening in her company that wouldn’t net her more money but would give her more experience, no. Because, he didn’t like the idea of her changing jobs if more money wasn’t involved. The one who use to go to the movies, all the time. Now? No, because he doesn’t like to go. Shopping or lunching with her girlfriends? No. Not unless Mr.Buzzkill has other things planned for himself. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t want her to leave him. It’s all too freakish. This is a friend that if we met today, I just don’t know if we’d have much in common.

I’m not sure where our friendship will be in a year or two or ten. We are not nearly as close as we were a couple of years ago, before Mr. Buzzkill came into her life. And I understand all that. Priorities shift. There’s now a new person in the mix. That’s all fine and good. But when so much about her has changed, it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around it. It’s hard for me to watch my friend, who was so strong and dynamic, fold at every corner to his whim. “Why give in?” I asked her once. “Because it’s easier,” she said. That made my heart sink.

But as I’m there this week putting on my happy face for her, I also have to remember, this is also the wedding of a friend of mine who I have known for about 15 years and I’ve never seen her so happy. I don’t understand the dynamics. It’s not my job to. It’s her relationship and she’s happy. He’s happy. They are happy. I’m not sure if this is forever happy, but I wish them well and all the blessing in the world.

Raise Your Glasses, Let's Toast!

2009-07-10T12:12:00.000-07:00

A while back I admitted I had a problem. A drinking problem. A problem that found me on too many nights drinking too much. A problem that made me wake up in the morning feeling like crap. I was drinking a couple glasses a night, and on many occasions much more than that. If we had friends over, I’d find a couple empty wine bottles in the trash. Often times, it was much more than that.

I made a conscious decision to change that behavior. I had to. On so many levels, it wasn’t good for me. I didn’t like what I was showing The Little Miss and I didn’t like having to try and piece the blank holes in my memory back together. It started out slow, but before I knew it, I was drinking every night, looking forward to the hour when I thought it was acceptable to open the bottle.

That hour now passes without notice. I still have an occasional glass of wine. It’s not something I need every night. It’s not even something I crave or even think of every night. I still love having my wine and I think I love it more than ever because now, it’s a special occasion. It’s a happy occasion. It’s no longer one ending into a spiral of darkness.

In the 38 days or so since I made the change in my life, I have probably saved about $400 in wine and a a lot more in calories. Both of those are great but what is even better is I feel so much human. I feel so much more alive. I have more energy. I’m more vibrant. And really that's what I need with a 3 year old running me ragged everyday.

So, let’s toast to not drinking so much!

Food Comes From Farms, Not Factories

2009-07-09T11:27:00.000-07:00

As parents, we spend an inordinate amount of time talking about what kinds of foods our kids are eating or rather what kinds of foods they are still won’t eat. There’s cookbook after cookbook about how to sneak veggies into your kids without them knowing. My approach is I keep trying and trying and eventually, something will click and what do you know, The Little Miss is taking bites of something green and healthy. Do I wish it wasn’t such a struggle? Yes. Do I wish she would eat more vegetables? Yes. Do I wish she ate less Mac and Cheese? Yes. But does she eat really well? Yes. Very well. Very healthy and as much whole foods and organic as I can afford.

For the past several weeks, every Tuesday, after picking The Little Miss up from school, we go to our local farmer’s market and pick out our fresh produce for the week. She can’t wait to pick out an apple or nectarine and walks though the stalls with me. She gets to make choices. She picks fruit out and will find them washed and portioned out in her lunch box for the week. She gets excited about what she finds and shares stories with her friends. It’s a fun learning experience and she now knows that food comes from farms and not factories.

Is it more expensive than going to a supermarket? Yes and no. Dollar wise, it probably is. But the cost to the environment, it doesn’t even compare. Carbon footprints on food at the farmer’s market is low. We are getting food basically grown within a 50 mile (or in most cases much less) radius of our home, so transportation cost is minimal. There isn’t any packaging. You pick produce and fruit right out of bins so no plastic bags, no containers. We’re supporting our local farmers who work so hard. It’s not easy to work. It’s back breaking and they are so reliant on factors you can’t control. Bugs, fungus, weather.

The smells fill the air with sweetness. The colors burst. I feel alive and motivated to eat better.

This is what food is suppose to be. Fresh. Colorful. Inspiring.

Blink

2009-07-08T11:01:00.001-07:00

The cursor on my screen has been blinking at me since Monday. I’m drawing a blank. Nothing new to say. It’s frustrating.

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

Where are the words that usually flow? Come hither. Come play. Come dance off my finger tips.

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

Maybe tomorrow.

Building Sandcastles

2009-07-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

It’s really funny how life unfolds. On Friday The Little Miss and I went to the beach with a couple of my friends. What’s really nice is that my friends, both of whom I have been friends with for over 10 years, both have daughters within 2 ½ years of The Little Miss. All three girls go to the same preschool. A preschool that has a total of 6 children enrolled. My friends and I are all of “advanced maternal age” and we were just marveling at how, at this point of our lives, all three of us ended up as moms.

My friends fought hard to be moms. Between the two of them, I’ve witnessed 7 miscarriages. Each time, a very sad occasion and as the years passed, it became more and more unlikely that either would become moms. Then 4 years ago, the first of us had a pregnancy that stuck. The baby came early and fought to be here, but a fighter she was. Then me, the fertile one. The one who got pregnant, right off the bat. I had been on birth control for nearly 2o years and within 2 months of going off the pill, I got myself knocked up.

I remember the last of the three of us, still motherless, who by this time had had 4 miscarriages, came by my house and handed me a bag of maternity clothes. Bravely congratulating me and holding back her tears.

“I don’t think I’ll be needing these” she said as she handed me the clothes. It was as if she was not only giving me the clothes, but passing on her neatly folded dreams and hopes.

I was speechless. What could I say? I was overwhelmed by her thoughtfulness. I wrapped my arms around her, we hugged tight and I listened, as the tears fell. I wished I could give her what I had. What she wanted so badly.

Three months later, I gave her back those clothes.

“I think you’ll be needing these,” I said.

Fast forward 3 years and as unlikely and impossible as it seemed, all 6 of us were at the beach building sandcastles and dreams for our future.

Get Your DVR's Ready

2009-07-05T05:12:00.000-07:00

Speaking of hearting things, I’m looking forward to watching Ruby again. I got caught up on a marathon of it a while back and was so charmed by her. She’s a real person with real struggles, check it out. Starts today.

Happy 4th

2009-07-03T08:01:00.000-07:00

There might be some things I don’t like about our country, but there’s an awful lot of things I do like. Think about our freedoms, our rights. We can speak our minds. We have religious freedoms. We have choices. We have a voice. We have a president whom I trust. A president who is making choices that I (generally) agree with and a president who is bringing back the respect of America.

Even with all the hardships we are facing, and all the hardships America has caused on the world, right now, I’m proud to be an American.

We’ll be going to the typical American 4th of July cookout. Hotdogs, hamburgers, BBQ chicken, potato salad, lemonade and beer. It really doesn’t get much better than that. We’ll be watching fireworks from the house we’ll be at and enjoying our family and friends.

I hope you all have a wonderfully safe and happy 4th.

Here's the dress I made for The Little Miss... I so super love it!

Oh Sweet Sugar

2009-07-02T11:14:00.000-07:00

Why is it that people think that “sugar free” is a good thing? You’re just replacing sugar with an artificial sweetener. Isn’t natural better?

You obviously know where I stand on this issue.

Promises Made

2009-07-01T12:39:00.000-07:00

I went to my doctor yesterday to get a couple things checked out. My blood pressure is barely hanging in there. I’ve been on a super low dose of medication for a few years now and so far that’s been working, more or less. Both, my doctor and I would like to see the numbers a little lower since they are just on the borderline of the high side of normal. For now, he is going to keep me at the same dose as what I am currently taking. It would be lovely to get off all meds, but with a strong family history of high blood pressure it’s very unlikely. In the mean time, he told me to lose 10 pounds and I would see improvement.

“Promise,” he said.

Which leads me to this question? How come I’m having such a struggle with the last 10-15 pounds? So far, I’ve dropped 20-25 pounds but lately I lose and gain the same 4 or so pounds over and over For months. Up. Down. Up. Down. It’s been a bit frustrating. I think part of my stall is because I can look at myself in the mirror now and be ok with it. Of course there are things I’d like differently, but I’m a normal human being and not some Hollywood superfreak. I generally feel good about myself and from year ago there’s been a huge difference. A difference that I’m happy with.

So help me my peeps, what can I do to motivate myself to work down those last few pounds? I told my doctor when I see him in 6 weeks, I’d be a few pounds lighter.

“Promise,” I said.

Mama vs The Little Miss

2009-06-30T10:34:00.001-07:00

Breathe…

Inhale…

Exhale…

Love…

Love…

Love…

I thought my head was going to explode this morning. If I heard “no Mama, I don’t want to” one more time, it just might have. It was a super crazy morning for both of us, not at all a fun morning and I almost lost it. It’s funny thing to love someone so much it hurts, but also be so incredibly infuriated by them you just want to scream, or worse. I’m not a patient person which can make for a very toxic and bad dynamic between the two of us. But I just have to breathe… inhale, exhale and love my way through it.

And the Caption Is...

2009-06-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

Last week I posted this picture of the ultra-sassy Little Miss and The Boy Next Door. I was having trouble putting a caption to it. So, of course, I asked all you lovelies to help me out and here was my favorite.

Thanks Tina from Fat Girl Dives In for:

If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

Thanks everyone for playing… it was so much fun to read all of your funny captions. You’re all more clever than me.

Nakedness

2009-06-26T11:18:00.000-07:00

Don’t ask why, but this is what I was thinking yesterday.

Just breathe and surrender to the moment, nobody is looking at you. It’s ok, everyone else is naked too.

________________________________

Also, I’m still gathering quotes for this.

You Choose the Title

2009-06-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

This is The Little Miss and The Boy Next Door (literally.)

What do you think the caption should be?

No official prizes will be given out, but I will give a big shout out to the top few. So come on people, be creative (and nice, remember that is my daughter you're talking about) and hit me up in the comments.

A Greek Yogurt Flashback

2009-06-24T11:28:00.000-07:00

This weekend, that first bite of Greek style plain yogurt transported me back. Just like that, I was remembering being just out of my teens, a 20 year old college student, spending my last few weeks in Greece, after a semester in England, before heading back to The States. I was young, supple, tan, uninhibited. I was free.

I remember being really broke, but somehow made my way to a Greek Island, finding a room in someone’s house with my own shower. A dollar or two a day. Perfect for what I needed and what I could afford. I’d spend my afternoons lazily basking at the beach, topless like all the girls there. Not worrying about my body, just wanting to feel the sun on my body after spending months in the English fog and rain. I was alone. My friend who traveled with me there decided to head to another island. I couldn’t afford to go, I had only enough money to stay.

The nights I’d go out with people I had met there. Other young college students, backpacking through Europe, who were also there to have a good time. We’d meet for a late dinner, then the drinks, the dancing, the partying. I’d meet boys there, who would go home with me. Too drunk or too tired to say no. It was just easier to let them enter me than to push them away. I pretended to like it. Sometimes I did. Sleep would come as he would leave and the sun came up.

In the mornings, I’d find a café. I’d sit outside drinking black coffee and eating Greek yogurt, trying to piece the previously night together and convincing myself it was ok. Lying to myself that I was an adult and was making adult decisions. I’d finish up my yogurt and coffee and head down to the beach. The blue Aegean sea helping me to recover from the madness of the night. In the process, I’d also rejuvenate for the next.

It was a fun and supremely reckless time. I haven’t thought about those days and nights on Greece much. That seems like such a lifetime ago. A different person ago. I’m not embarrassed by my behavior, proud to have lived my life, but there are stories not to be shared with everyone.

Other Places to Visit

2009-06-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

I am here… I really am. Just swamped at work and not finding the time to blog. We’re really under pressure here at work to “make budget, hit the numbers, roll up your sleeves and make it happen.” I guess this is why it’s called work and not play. We go to work every day, we don’t go to play.

And since I’m too busy to write about my too stress and too busy a life, please go visit this funny gal. She’s one of my favorites. Or this amazing woman who has transformed herself into an athlete. What an inspiration. And this wonderfully sweet woman, who has the best attitude.

I promise to be back soon, hopefully tomorrow, with more of my boring stories to tell.

Feeling Like A Race Horse

2009-06-19T11:12:00.001-07:00

I started going to the gym again this week after my brief hiatus because of that nasty June cold. I go to the YMCA and they have a little play room crawling with other kids and festering with germs where I put The Little Miss while I hit the cardio room. It seems to be working well for the both of us. A little playtime with other short humans for her and a little workout time for me.
I started the C25k, again. First week done, again. I had done it once, but since I was waylaid for a week I felt as though I should start again, just to give myself a fighting chance of making through. There’s the 5 minute warm up and then alternating a 60 second run with 90 seconds of walking and then 5 minutes of cool down. The whole workout lasts 31 minutes. Pretty quick and relatively easy. The runs went better than I had hoped in fact, when my little personal trainer came on to tell me to walk, I felt as though I had a more running in me. But, I’m sticking to the plan and listened, for once, to instructions.

Here’s my challenge though, when I start running I feel like I have to pee like a race horse. I’ve tried running before and have never had that sensation, is it because I’m a little older? Because I had a baby and things get stretched and pulled, down there? Help! Does this happen to anyone else? Any suggestions?

Cycle is High

2009-06-18T11:09:00.001-07:00

I feel like I’m in a really good groove and right now it feels like my life with The Little Miss couldn’t get any better. TLM is out of school this week and she’s been spending her mornings with her former nanny/babysitter. The two of them have a very special bond and they love each other like nobody’s business. TLM lights up when I tell her she gets to go Nanny’s house and The Husband and I couldn’t be more grateful, even if we tried, that Nanny is available to us any time to help care and really, help raise TLM. We feel blessed she is in our lives and has really become part of our family. Our lives would be MUCH different and I think not nearly as fulfilling without her.

I only work until 1pm, so I’ve been rushing over to get my hands on TLM before I explode from missing her. And all this week we’ve been playing and hanging out. I’ve thrown caution to the wind and set aside nap time so we have hours of uninterrupted fun. And that’s what it’s been feeling like this week, fun, fun, fun. It’s not always like that with the two of us. Sometimes it feel like a lot of work and battling a toddler can be more frustrating and draining than you can imagine. But this week is different, we’ve been meeting friends for playdates at the zoo, hitting the beach to play in the water and sand, watering gardens for the grandparents who are out of town, and making dinner for friends.

It feels like we’re both in a good place and if you were to read our horoscopes they would probably read something like:

Cycle is high. Make the best of this time and do what feels right.

And really, isn’t that what it’s all about?

Please Say Good-Bye

2009-06-17T11:01:00.001-07:00

I have to think that most of us consider the people whose blogs we read every day as our friends. You know that my daughter calls my pubic hair puffies , that my former in the closet gay boyfriend is semi-stalking me, and that I drink too much. And in return I know a lot about you too. I always get a little worried when my friends stop blogging and I don’t know what’s happening. It’s like I’m being punished for something that I didn’t do. So what do you think it means when people suddenly stop blogging? Too busy? Started a new site? Off the wagon?

Here’s a few of my favorite bloggers that have mysteriously disappeared, I worry about them and hope they are doing well.

There’s her and her and her and of course others.

So people, if you are not going to blog anymore, can you do me a favor and just put up a little see ya later post so I don’t have to worry about you?

Just So You Know, I've Got Puffies

2009-06-16T09:45:00.001-07:00

This is what happens when you undress in front of your 3 year old.

The Little Miss: Look Mama you have puffies.

Me: Puffies?

TLM: Yeah, puffies. You have hair.

Me: Yes, honey, I have some hair. (no don’t COMPLETELY wax, down there.)

TLM: Why?

Me: Because that’s what happens when you become an adult.

TLM: Does Papa have puffies too?

Me: Yes honey, he does.

TLM: And he has a straight thingy too. That’s funny.

Me: Go color or something.

Lies, Lies, Lies

2009-06-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

Lies I tell myself, and too often still believe.

I’ll have only one.

I don’t have time to exercise.

The number on the scale doesn’t matter, it’s how you feel. (But really, the number still does affect me)

Since my pants are loose, I can eat more.

I’m sure there’s a bunch more, but that’s all I can come up with on a Monday morning, pre-coffee.

What lies do you tell yourself? Please share cuz I know you all do.

This is How to Lose Weight

2009-06-12T10:43:00.001-07:00

So yesterday after work I did as I said I would. I headed down to my local Walgreen’s and bought a neti pot. Took it home, read the instructions and filled it up. What happened next was just very strange. Basically you tilt your head to one side and pour the water in one nostril which fills up your sinuses and drains out the other side. Yeah, weird. Augh. A couple of hints, if you are planning on trying this, make sure you have some tissue handy so you don’t have to run around the house looking for something to blow your nose in while the excess water is dripping out. And also, remember to breathe out of your mouth. This is very very important. OK, so I did one side and then the next and as much as I wanted to say this was a total waste of time, it works. Totally works. Very brightly colored stuff came out my nose. I can breathe. And when I stepped on the scale this morning I was down 2 pounds. Who knew mucus weighed so much?

Here's Goes Nothing

2009-06-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all the well wishes of getting better. I’m going to break down and try the neti pot for all you crazies out there that swear by it. Pouring water up my nose and watching it come out the other side was funny and entertaining as an 8 year old, but now it just looks creepy. For all of you who have never heard of it, watch the video. Of course I have a lot less facial hair and I promise I won’t try the coffee or the Scotch.

Maybe if it isn't as bad as it looks, I'll join the circus and take my show on the road.

Wish me luck.

I Need a Nose Job

2009-06-09T12:16:00.001-07:00

I’m still fighting this cold which has really put a kink into my new C25K workout program. I was groovin’ through the first week of it and in a nice little routine when, bam! Throw me a cold. The trick now, is to maintain that momentum and get back with it as soon as I can manage to breathe. Right now, I’m still so stuffed up and want only to sleep it’s a rather pitiful picture.

I have somehow managed to drag myself to work because, why in the world would I want to use my sick days when I’m really sick when I can use them as extra vacation days? Yes, there is that whole thing about infecting other people in the office but really, I sit in a cube for 4 hours, talk to no one since all we do these days is email so no one else can hear our conversations. Our boss sits within ear shot so if we are quietly typing away it gives the appearance of the perfect, good, hard working staff that we really are. I also sit with my window open so fresh air is wafting through and I think I’m beyond the going-to-infect-anyone stage right now.

If anyone has any experience in removing noses so I can drain my sinuses and then replacing it, please, oh please let me know.

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are

2009-06-09T12:01:00.000-07:00

It still amazes me that I have readers of my blog. I’m totally thrilled that people do and it honestly it gives me a little charge knowing I get traffic to my site. So everyone out there that’s reading me, thank you. I never really thought, nor do I currently really think that what I have to say is all that important or really all that interesting. I live a rather mundane life. Home, work, and play. Repeat cycle over and over. But somehow, I manage to write it all out and people come and read.

Blogging is a funny thing. In “real life” I don’t like to talk about me, it makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward. I don’t like to boast or brag and I certainly don’t think I’m full of myself. But in this medium, it’s basically all about me. Me, me, me and I love it. So maybe I am more self centered than I think I am or maybe more interesting than I think I am or maybe you’re just really bored and are looking for something, anything to fill the time.

I love the community of bloggers out there. There are so many wonderful and amazing people with so many interesting stories to tell. I’d love to learn more about the people that come and visit, so be brave, and come on out of the dark shadows. I am always looking for new sites to visit so if you’re one of the many lurkers out there, leave me a comment so I can get to you! I promise I don’t bite.

By the Numbers

2009-06-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

Here’s a breakdown of my weekend by the numbers:

2 Boxes of tissues I went through

328 Times I blew my nose (number is approximate)

36 Number of hours I slept since Friday

0 Days I worked out

4 Books checked out at the library

1 Book finished

4 Number of dolphins I saw while having lunch on Saturday

30 Number of fingers and toes I painted

1 Mailbox painted

13 Loads of laundry done

1 Baseball game attended

1 Hotdog eaten

6 Hours of playing with Play-Do

1250 Approximate calories saved by not drinking this weekend

2 Pounds gained this weekend…whatever

edit to note: I am not sad, just got a nasty ass cold. augh.

My Body

2009-06-05T07:36:00.001-07:00

Dear Body,

How is it that I know I was only given one of you when I consistently never take as good a care of you, as you do of me. For 43 years, you have given me good health, birthed babies and provided me with the strength to do so much. It is because of you that I am here and I will continue to rely on you to carry me through this life.

And in return for all you have given me, I feel as though I haven’t treated you well. I am sorry. There’s been too many years where you have just taken the abuse with little or no retaliation. What I have fed you isn’t what you deserve. Too much sugar for you to process, too much fat to store and too many chemicals, which I’m sure have polluted you in ways I don’t even understand. I know you need exercise to stay healthy, but why do I seem so resistant to give you what you need? Is it my mind’s own laziness? It must be because you, my body, are always willing to do what I ask. Never have you failed when called upon to move me from one place to the next. You are always willing and I must start giving you more of what you what you need.

My body, I have put you in jeopardy. For that, I am regretfully sorry. I can’t change the past, but I can change the future.

Thank you for all the years we’ve been together. You have given me more than I can imagine and now it’s my turn to thank you. I will feed you food that will strengthen you, to give you the power and energy to function and stay healthy. I will exercise you so you may feel the exhilaration of movement. I will push you and make you do things you never thought possible. I will treat you with respect. I will honor you.

Love,

Me

Recap of the Current Life

2009-06-04T11:36:00.000-07:00

I made it through my 2nd C25k workout and I totally pick puffy heart love the iphone app for the work out. My legs have that wonderful soreness from workouts that I’ve missed lately and it’s nice to have it back. I’m sure with the weekly increase in running times I’ll hopefully have that “I’ve been working out” feeling for a while.

On all the other fronts, things are good. The in-the-closet-gay former boyfriend emailed me again this week. This time, about some mutual friend that has turned into quite the “player” in the social world around these parts. Whatever dude, move on and get a life.

On the drinking front, or rather the very abbreviated drinking front, all is good. The bewitching hour comes and I know it’s there and I move on. Have I thought about having a glass of wine, yes. Is it easy for me to pass on it? Kinda. Knowing the potential outcome, it’s really easy to pass. But, do I miss it? yes. It’s all good for now and the occasions that I do have a glass or two will be all the better.

The only thing from The Bride this week is she wants to know who wants to get their hair/make-up done for the wedding. I can handle my own make-up. The hair thing, well… I’d really like to have someone do it but for a blow-dry, $60. If they do anything else to it, $120. For my hair, no. Luckily, I have a friend who owns a hair salon in town and she told me to come in, free of charge, and she’d teach me how to do a simple style for the wedding. She’d even let me borrow any equipment I may need. How nice is that!?

The Fire Family is moving out of the hotel and into a house next week. Finally. They are paying, or rather their insurance is paying $7300 a month for it. Yes, that’s right, $7300 a month. At that rate I think the insurance money is going to run out before their house is rebuilt, but that’s just speculation. Regardless, they are getting totally ripped off and the landlord should be ashamed of him/herself.

The Little Miss is being crazy and sweet as ever. Her latest wordisms:

Upscalator = the escalator that’s going up

Downscalator = the escalator that’s going down

Oh, if life could be that simple.

Week 1 Day 1

2009-06-03T10:41:00.000-07:00

First, thanks for all the lovely comments I got from yesterday’s post. Yes it was difficult, but it is my reality. Real life isn’t always pretty and I am who I am, take it or leave it. Like me or not. Judge me how you will. It’s still my life.

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Yesterday I started the all famous Couch to 5k or better known as the C25k program. I went on their website to print out my schedule and found the COOLEST iphone app. How it works is you choose one of your own playlists from your ipod and it gives you audio alerts of what you need to do next. So in the middle of whatever song you’re listening to a voice comes on and says something like, “get your lazy ass going and run.” Well, actually, there’s a beep and then the voice just says “run,” or “walk” or whatever action needs to be taken. It keeps a counter of the total work out time and also a timer of the segment that you are working on, so you know exactly where you are in the workout. Totally cool and makes keeping track of alternating walking/running easy peasy.

I made it through the Week 1 Day 1 work out pretty easily. 31 minutes total and over 2 miles. As you can tell by my times, I didn’t walk or run very fast. But I did it. I’ve always wanted to be “a runner.” I just hope at 43, it’s not too late.

I Have a Problem

2009-06-02T13:10:00.001-07:00

I drink wine every day. Two or more glasses every single day. Yep, I do. There, I’ve said it. More drinking on days where we have friends over and that happens to be at least twice a week. And all that drinking, my friends, has to stop.

Last Saturday night we went to a local upscale “camping” resort where they have a band, bonfires and picnic areas where you can bring your own dinner/drinks. We went, with the Fire Family, for a night out, the monkeys running around entertaining themselves and the adults snacking and drinking and drinking and drinking.

That’s how it always seems to be, them playing, us drinking. Me drinking. More. A lot. Too much. I stumble to bed, my sleep is horrible, I wake up, mouth parched and unrested. I toss and turn, wake up at 2am for more aspirin and there are just too many days I feel like crap in the morning.

After Saturday’s binge, I’ve put an end to it. No more drinking on school nights, the exception is when we have friends over, and then it’s only a glass or two, not a bottle or two. Time to scale way back and honestly, it’s going to be hard. I’I look forward to walking to the wine cooler, every day at 5 o’clock and pulling out a bottle. Wondering little nugget am I going to enjoy. The first sip, heaven. The last, not as memorable, in fact almost always forgotten.

There are too many blank holes in my memory. Things I don’t remember. Too many times I’ve had to ask The Husband if I made an ass out of myself. Too many times I’ve wonder if I was slurring my words. Too much to lose if I keep on this path. Too many bad examples being set.

I don’t know exactly when it was that I started drinking every night, but I think it was about the time when The Little Miss appeared in my life. I needed the relief. The break from reality. The break from the fact that I was a MOM. Holy shit! Me? A mom. You’ve got to be kidding. I was 40 years old, and never thought I’d be a parent and that transition was hard. Really really hard for me. I needed something and wine was my drug of choice. Easy to get, socially acceptable and something I already knew a lot about.

So I’m choosing a different path. One of more responsibility and maturity. The one I was on before. A drink. A glass. Not every night, but on some nights. Special nights. On occasions.

It Brought a Tear to My Eye

2009-06-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

On Friday I sent The Little Miss off to school and the she had a planned overnight with her former nanny which she has been looking forward to since I mentioned it earlier in the week. Knowing I wouldn’t see the monkey until the next day we gave her extra hugs and kisses. I was going to miss her.

Me: Ok, baby, give Mama extra hugs and kisses since I’m not going to see you until tomorrow.

TLM: Ok mama, I love you.

Me: I love you too. Does it make you sad that we’re not going to see each other until tomorrow?

TLM: No, I won’t miss you.

Me: Really? How come?

TLM: Because Mama, you’re always with me in my heart.

Seriously? From a 3 year old? I love that little creature.

Dude is Sick

2009-05-28T11:34:00.000-07:00

Dreams of DC

2009-05-27T09:52:00.000-07:00

I think I was in Washington DC long enough. Last night I had a dream that he and I hooked up, well kinda. The G rated version of the dream went something like this. We were making out and I wanted more so I told him and he turned me down! Oh, the nerve of him, but a good dream non-the-less.

Glad to be home.

Gone

2009-05-23T21:06:00.000-07:00

It's a bit past midnight, I'm, laying on the blow up bed surrounded by boxes, almost floor to ceiling, wishing I was home. It's been nothing but wedding since I first got here. I haven't had one moment to do anything just with The Bride. It's always her, Mr. Wonderful and me. Long gone are the days where the two of us shop, have lunch and see movies. The new reality is there's three of us and often times three feels odd.

I need to get use to the fact that the friend I had is not the same person I know today. The girl I know today no longer makes any decisions on her own, no longer wants to do things that we shared before and no longer has that something about her that I loved. It seems like the old her has fallen into a black hole. No where to be found.

Getting married, to me, doesn't mean losing oneself. My friend, has sadly gone that route. We'll still be friends, but I know it won't be the same. It's not because she's gone totally mad about the wedding details, but because she no longer is here. She has lost herself and she has become they.

Seriously Creepy

2009-05-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

So this is the second time in as many months that my former boyfriend, who I seriously think is a closet gay, has emailed me to tell me he dreamt of me.

Well there you were again, in yet another dream of mine last night. Im prohibited by law (in only 34 states though) and most churches from sharing the contents of said dream but Im sure I read something somewhere that Im supposed to share. Or maybe I was supposed to write it down in a private journel to comtemplate later?

Seriously creepy.