The months turned into years and I never did lose those last 5 pounds, in fact I proceeded to put on about 15 pound over the next 2 years. It's those pounds and a more that I have been recently shedding. I'm now down to below where I was at 3 years ago but my body is different. Much different
I have stretch marks racing across my belly, thighs and breasts. I have a very loose and squishy belly from the weigh gain and as much as I work out I will never have the toned flat belly again. My stomach looks a lot like the picture on the left (the right is post tummy tuck and no, that's not me)
I have lost muscle tone and elasticity, and it will never come back. And I hate it. It's hard for me to look at my stomach in the mirror and hard for me to have my husband look at it let alone touch it.
Buying clothes can be tricky. I look for baby doll style tops but I have to be careful they don't make me look pregnant. I wear lots of long tops to cover the belly and regardless of what I do, it is impossible to disguise the extra weight in my belly.
Having to hide and be embarrassed about my belly is awful. It's so ugly to me and I am totally ashamed by it. I turn around so The Husband won't see. I avoid bathing suit situations like the plague and it's exhausting. But mainly I just want to come to terms with it. This is how my body is shaped and I'm having a hard time finding a way to love it again.
I don't know what to do. I want to be okay with it but I'm not. Recently, I've thought about plastic surgery, (I mean, come on... if I can look like that after picture, I'd be OK with that) but that seems so dramatic. It seems like the last ditch effort, that I've failed in some way or that I'm vain.
This is my daily struggle. Trying to love this new body of mine. Adjusting to the scars. I know I have a lot to show for it, but it's really really hard to love these marks which are the road map of my life that has been left on body.