I had a really lovely evening last night. The Husband and I had two other couples and their kids over for dinner. There were bottles of wine, chicken on the BBQ, lots of laughing and lots of love in the room. Also a big part of the evening were the 5 little girls, from the ages of 5-2, running around the backyard and playing their pretty little heads off. It's so wonderful to hear the laughter and to see how easily children, at that age, become friends. They become friends and accept each other almost instantly because there's no judgement.
Sadly, it's not that way for me. I judge. I'm not sure how it is with other people and I think and hope I'm in the minority, but when I first meet someone, I won't like them. I think when the majority of people are introduced to other people they like them or are indifferent to them. For me, people need to win me over before I'll even give them a chance for me to like them. I check out everything and I'm ultra critical, especially of my womenfolk. I've noticed, the "prettier" the girls are, the more I instantly dislike her, and the less likely I am to try and make friends with her. I wonder how many wonderful people have come into my life that I've dismissed because they were good looking or some other trait that I was envious of. I wonder how many people have done this to me because there was something about my physical appearance that wasn't just right or perhaps I was just "too pretty."
I've never seen a therapist about this and I'm not a psychologist but I'm pretty sure this judgemental behavior stems from my insecurities. I'm not worthy enough to have "that" girl as my friend because she's so pretty. Or, she can't be nice because she's so pretty. Or, I don't want to be friends with her because she's prettier than me. This is not a way I want to be, I'm very aware of this behavior and just another thing I'm working on. I want to be more open to the possibilities to becoming friends with people and more than that I'd like to judge less.
I've shared this thought process with a few people and they are always so surprised to hear it coming from me. They are shocked because I'm very gregarious, fun, nice and seemingly so self assured. I have loads of acquaintances and a pretty big circle of what I consider close friends. If you know me, you'd never guess I have this ugly side to me.
It makes me sad to think that one day those pretty, little and innocent girls who were so accepting of each other last night will one day also judge, because it seems at some point that's just what happens.
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On a lighter and happier note... after this past week of feeling poorly, I think I've got my sassy back. It's an absolutely beautiful day in the land where lots o' famous people live and I'm lacing up my running shoes heading out for my walk at lunch. YIPPEE.
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The Sell Out
This Is Me
- Big Girl
- I think of myself as though I'm a pretty typical hipster kinda gal. I feel like I'm younger than I am and I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do when I grow up. For now, I'm working part-time "for the man," but more importantly, I'm a mom to a daughter, The Little Miss (TLM) and a wife to The Husband. We live in an area of the country where being anything bigger than a size 6 is considered unacceptably large and in a town where movie stars live. I've always been the Big Girl. Growing up it was because I was taller and "big boned." Now I'm the Big Girl because I'm fat. At one time I loved being the Big Girl but now, not so much. This blog is my way trying to be a part of a community that can help each other through our struggles to be who we really are. For me, it's still being a Big Girl just not of the fat variety.
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3 comments:
You know, I used to be like that when I was younger and I never had close girlfriends. It's such a waste! In the last 7 years I have discovered the beauty and pleasure in having close friendships with women. My two best friends are both extraordinary women, pretty, smart, outgoing, self-assured, wise, etc. And they have enriched my life so much. Sure I'm the fattest, but that's just never been an issue. We are closer than sisters and will surely bust one another out of jail if the need should ever arise!
Woo hoo I am so glad you got your sassy back.
I have always been the opposite. Like I have always found myself being drawn to the "beautiful" people and wanting them to be my friends I guess subconciously I wanted to be one of them so I would want to surround myself with them in hopes that their beauty would rub off. ha. Stupid huh? Guess I was always the Duff.
I have a hard time making friends, partially because I'm critical, and partially because I'm just so damn anti-social. The majority of my close friends are people I've known since elementary or high school. I've got a few friends I still talk to from college. But I haven't really made any friends since getting out of college. Well, not friends that I hang out with on the weekends or outside of work, anyway. Part of it is the journalist thing, I guess: I'm more willing to listen to other people's stories than I am to talk about myself to people I don't know well. That's a goal of mine: to get more confident and to stop being so damn anti-social. :) And to make more friends.
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