I had a really lovely evening last night. The Husband and I had two other couples and their kids over for dinner. There were bottles of wine, chicken on the BBQ, lots of laughing and lots of love in the room. Also a big part of the evening were the 5 little girls, from the ages of 5-2, running around the backyard and playing their pretty little heads off. It's so wonderful to hear the laughter and to see how easily children, at that age, become friends. They become friends and accept each other almost instantly because there's no judgement.
Sadly, it's not that way for me. I judge. I'm not sure how it is with other people and I think and hope I'm in the minority, but when I first meet someone, I won't like them. I think when the majority of people are introduced to other people they like them or are indifferent to them. For me, people need to win me over before I'll even give them a chance for me to like them. I check out everything and I'm ultra critical, especially of my womenfolk. I've noticed, the "prettier" the girls are, the more I instantly dislike her, and the less likely I am to try and make friends with her. I wonder how many wonderful people have come into my life that I've dismissed because they were good looking or some other trait that I was envious of. I wonder how many people have done this to me because there was something about my physical appearance that wasn't just right or perhaps I was just "too pretty."
I've never seen a therapist about this and I'm not a psychologist but I'm pretty sure this judgemental behavior stems from my insecurities. I'm not worthy enough to have "that" girl as my friend because she's so pretty. Or, she can't be nice because she's so pretty. Or, I don't want to be friends with her because she's prettier than me. This is not a way I want to be, I'm very aware of this behavior and just another thing I'm working on. I want to be more open to the possibilities to becoming friends with people and more than that I'd like to judge less.
I've shared this thought process with a few people and they are always so surprised to hear it coming from me. They are shocked because I'm very gregarious, fun, nice and seemingly so self assured. I have loads of acquaintances and a pretty big circle of what I consider close friends. If you know me, you'd never guess I have this ugly side to me.
It makes me sad to think that one day those pretty, little and innocent girls who were so accepting of each other last night will one day also judge, because it seems at some point that's just what happens.
On a lighter and happier note... after this past week of feeling poorly, I think I've got my sassy back. It's an absolutely beautiful day in the land where lots o' famous people live and I'm lacing up my running shoes heading out for my walk at lunch. YIPPEE.