Getting dressed wasn't always fun. In fact, there were times when I just down right hated it. When I was at my heaviest, 25 pounds ago, there were only a couple pairs of black pants I wore every single day. I refused to go out and buy more clothes in THAT size because I pretty much refused to believe I was THAT size. When in fact, I was realistically a size bigger but was absolutely in denial about it and so not going there.
I struggled everyday. Everyday I'd face the question, "what should I wear today?" And everyday I ended up wearing one of the two pairs of black pants and some solid colored shirt. Everyday, I'd tell myself, I really need to lose weight. Because everyday I felt disgustingly fat, uncomfortable in my skin and my clothes. But alas, I would put something on and tidied up enough to face the world, even though I really didn't want to.
I didn't really like to wash my pants since that meant the tightness would be even worse and there would be the break in period while I "stretched out" my pants again. I would wear big jackets, to hide the roll around my tummy and if I didn't have a jacket on I'd often tie a shirt around my waist to "hide" my booty and waistline. I wasn't fooling anyone but it made me feel incrementally better.
Over the weekend, I went through my drawers and pulled out clothes that scared me not too long ago. I avoided them, knowing there was no way I would try them on unless I wanted that feeling of depression and anger to wash over me. The depressing feeling of, yes, I once could fit into these but now, I'm too fat. But this weekend was different. I searched those clothes out and I bravely and anxiously pulled them on, holding my breath, and hoping for the best. And the best happened. In most cases, my clothes fit. I did my little happy dance, over and over.
I've started a stack of clothes, including 1 pair of those old black pants, which are going bye-bye. I'm keeping the other as a reminder of how far I've come. I tried those black pants on this weekend and was able to slip them on and off without even unzipping them. It was kinda like a fun little magic trick and I had to laugh when I did it.
I'm proud of what I've done so far but also know there's still work to be done. I still want to feel stronger, feel more fit and I'd still like to lose more wight. I don't feel as though I'm "there" yet. I'll get there, it may be a while but, if this moment was fun and I'm going to enjoy it for now.