Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Facing My Fear

For me, motherhood does not come naturally. There’s still a lot of times where I feel a certain level of unease around The Little Miss and am still trying to find my way in the world of parenthood. Playing with her is sometimes a struggle for me. I don’t like to play pretend and make believe. I don’t like dolls and I really don’t like the whole princess phenomenon. But, I do want to foster her imagination and let her do things she wants to do, except of course, when she wants to play with matches, knives and run with scissors.

She’s an easy, loving and very bright person. She’s full of energy, imagination, and is learning to joke with us. She’s pretty sensitive and often times, when she does cry, in the middle of her fits she tells me, “I want to be happy.” At her 2 year birthday she sat in her seat and when it was time to blow out her candles she looked out to her audience and says, “we’re all friends.” She’s just sweet.

That’s not to say she isn’t a bossy creature that whines a lot and cries because I poured her milk into the wrong glass. The whining gets old quickly, so does her bossiness and so does her I can do it all-by-myself attitude. It’s all a part of learning your way in this world and growing up, I understand that, but it still wears me down.

Regardless of her mostly easy going nature, I still get a nervous when I know I’m going to be the only parent with her for long periods of time, meaning more than a day. I wonder if I’ll be able to handle everything. Will the whining finally break me? Will playing with dolls finally do me in? Will I start yelling at her when she gives me attitude? I like to know there is back up. Even if The Husband is at work and relief is still hours away.

Yesterday, I got a call from a friend of mine whose husband works for The Four Seasons. They were taking a quick trip to the San Diego area and invited our family to join them. Hotel room, free. Yes, we wanted to go, but The Husband had some commitments at work he couldn’t get out of.

So, I’m going alone. Just the two of us. There will be 10 hours total drive time in the car with The Little Miss. Then there’s the 3 days with just me. Yes, my friends will be there along with their daughter, but it’s not the same. I almost didn’t go because of my fear of being alone for that long with my own child. It sounds crazy just to say that out loud, but it’s the truth. Afraid. Scared. Fear. But, I’m feeling my fear and doing it anyway. I need to know that I can do it. It’s important to me to know that we can do things like this and that we will be ok. It's time I move on and learn more about The Little Miss and about myself. I need to push my way through this and be a better parent and person because of it.

And really, what do I have to worry about? How bad can a couple days here be?


Hanlie said...

I think that's a valid fear. Parents need their down-time too! Good luck!

Gigi said...

Okay, so the first day might suck a little because you're so nervous and on edge. But that'll probably work in your favor because you're not expecting it to go perfectly. Let's hear it for lowered expectations!

Parenting's so hard - especially with only children because you're parent, playmate and constant companion. And don't you just want to slap anyone who says how easy it is with just one?!

Push through the fear - you'll come out stronger than you went in.

Rebecca said...

I have a friend who feels the same way. She doesn't even like to take her little girl to the mall just the two them. I am not a parent but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Teresa said...

I think we all have fears at one time or another. Just push through it, you'll be fine and so will the little miss. It's all a part of living. I would worry more if you didn't have fears. Who knows, maybe you and the little miss need this time to understand each other better. You'll do great.

Honey Mommy said...

I know exactly what you mean! Sometimes being a parent is scary and challenging. You think that you should be always patient, a fun playmate, kind, etc. Unfortunately we are human and it doesn't always turn out that way. I have a hard time playing with my little boys sometimes too.

Have fun on your vacation! You can do it!

Thinking Thin said...

I don't know what you're going through, per se but I can say that is one of my fears about being a mother if in fact I ever am. So I am sure it's natural!