Friday, January 23, 2009

I Knew This Was Coming...

My best friend got engaged last night. Got engaged to her creepy, over possessive boyfriend. The one that she fights with at least once a week. Fights over things she too embarrassed to tell me about because they are “so stupid.” But, fights that still leave her in tears. The one that wouldn’t “let” her join the gym she wanted to. The one that told her if she chose to go to Los Angeles for 6 weeks for work instead of someplace closer to him, he was going to break up with her. The one that has been staying at her place rent free for the last year, because his basement apartment at his parent’s house got flooded and he didn’t clean it up. The one that the first night I met him and we all had dinner together told me how much I owed for my meal.

Oh I could go on, but that would just be mean.

She seems thrilled and I’m trying to be happy for her. I want her to have a long happy partnership, but, if you ask me, the secret to a good marriage is to marry the right person. I’m just not convinced he’s the one for her.


Sagan said...

Gah. Bad situation to be in.

Can you talk to her about it and explain where you're coming from in a way that she'll understand without getting angry or hurt?

Hanlie said...

Oh I know exactly what you're feeling. I had the same situation with my best friend, and the worst part of it was that I introduced them (I didn't know either of them very well at the time) and encouraged the relationship initially. But about a year into it I saw that this was heading for a train wreck of epic proportions. He had turned out to be a prize asshole. I talked to her about it, and she acknowledged that he had his weaknesses, but she loved him and she felt that she needed to give him more time to sort himself out. Shortly after that they bought a house and a business together and got engaged and things started going seriously wrong. Then the economy went for a dive, meaning that they couldn't sell their business and go their separate ways... Two years later, they have virtually "given" the business away, but still have the house... Everything that I predicted came true, and worse... Yet, there was nothing I could do!

It's worth a try though!

Ssmith29 said...

She's gonna have to figure it out because even if you do convince her, later when she is lonely and miserable it will be your fault for getting her to dump him. You have to help her think things are her own idea. Keep encourageing her to acheive her goals and say nothing about him or his opinions. When they fight and you think he is a rat bastard, ask her what she thinks she should do-don't impose. When this thing self destructs she's going to need you. If you really can't stand him then be honest and tell her you will always be there if she ever needs you, but if she has to be with him then you will need to put some distance in your relationship. And the next time you have him over for dinner slip some visine in his drink. Moohhaaa

Gigi said...

Oh brother, this guy sounds like bad news. Insecure, controlling bad news. You could try talking to her but it might not sink in because she sounds like she's in love with getting married and not so much with the guy. Who know? My friend married a guy so totally against type - I suspected a green card situation. Two years and two months later, with brand new shiny citizenship, he was history.

new*me said...

Maybe she'll figure it out before it is too late :)!

Tena said...

He's trouble with a capital T. She will be sorry but I doubt anything you say will make her see he is not the "one" for her.

I get a sick feeling in my gut just hearing how he treats her. My ex was like that but I thought my "love" would make it all better. Been divorced for 25 yrs now. Shoulda known!

Anonymous said...

Tell her to run . . . and run fast!

My sisters been married for almost 15 years and she has three great kids.

The problem is her husband - and the signs were there from the beginning but "she loved him" and thought her love for him would change him.

He is emotionally and verbally abusive to her, to where she is nothing but a little nub.

I remember being out with them, we were at a bar, a band was playing and it was very loud, and as I left to go to the bathroom, I leaned over and asked my sister if she and her boyfriend wanted another beer on my way back.

Well her BF (now husband) thought I was talking to my sister about him and stormed off.

When she got back to her apartment, there was a small bag of stuff she had left at his house. He was done.

Of course, the next day he apologized, but its been a nightmare cycle of treating her like shit, then apologizing, things are fine for a while, and then it all begins again.

And my nephews and niece are a part of this! There are times when their Dad spends all day in bed, will get up every half hour open his bedroom door, slam it as hard as it will go, and retreat back to the bedroom - for up to 8 hours while the kids are in the next room.

Sorry for the rant, but when the signs are there from the beginning no amount of love from another person will change a person.

Tell her that getting in fights to the point of tears on a weekly basis IS NOT NORMAL!

Tell her to hang in there!!

Honey Mommy said...

That stinks.

I hope things work out for her in the end even though it doesn't look good right now.

ani pesto said...

That is so difficult, I feel for you. I've got a friend in similar situation. I've never hidden my concern but I try my hardest to support her choices (unlike her family) and try to be happy for her so that if (WHEN) it does go wrong I hope she still feels she can turn to me (she no longer feels this with her family).

I remember hiding being back with a boyfriend from my best friend because I knew she'd judge. Right enough it didn't work out, but I had to see it for myself.

{{hugs}} so hard, you only want to be happy when a close friend gets engaged.

MizFit said...

I havent been in that situation and have no idea what Id do.

actually I do.

dont be me. I have a big mouth and Im confident it wouldnt end will.

SeaShore said...

Here's hoping they break up before they tie the knot.

Merry Mary said...

That sucks. I've seen this happen to my own friends before. Just be happy for her. Saying something won't go over well... it could end a friendship. Even if you say something that is one of those things where the girl has to figure it out on her own.

Sherre said...

This guy sounds horrible, but I agree with other commenters that it's a bad situation all the way around. I had the situation with a gf a few years ago and did speak up and she took it very much as an attack from me and it ended our friendship. But I just couldn't sit back and watch her be taken advantage of over and over. (And, BTW, the guy in question is out of her life now -- 2 kids and much grief later.)

Lora said...

It's so hard when you see someone you care about, going down the wrong path. Just be happy for her....and the kind of friend she'll know she can turn to when the chips fall. (Which they most likely will.) Maybe she'll see the light during the engagement. I would strongly encourage pre-marital counseling of some sort. Engaged Encounter would be perfect. She'd certainly see what's in store for her.

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, some women think that just having a man is a good thing. They don't realize that it's about having a GOOD man. Deep down, she may know he is not the one. Sounds like she is going to need your friendship more than ever.

Scale Junkie said...

WOW thats a tough situation with your friend. I wish her luck but sometimes you have to let others make their own mistakes as hard as that can be.

Alli said...

Very very tough. On one hand you have to respect she is an adult and is in charge of her own decisions but on the other you are her friend and see it being a potentially horrible situation. I guess for now you need to show her your support and pray that things work out. Good luck girl!