Saturday, May 23, 2009

Gone

It's a bit past midnight, I'm, laying on the blow up bed surrounded by boxes, almost floor to ceiling, wishing I was home. It's been nothing but wedding since I first got here. I haven't had one moment to do anything just with The Bride. It's always her, Mr. Wonderful and me. Long gone are the days where the two of us shop, have lunch and see movies. The new reality is there's three of us and often times three feels odd.

I need to get use to the fact that the friend I had is not the same person I know today. The girl I know today no longer makes any decisions on her own, no longer wants to do things that we shared before and no longer has that something about her that I loved. It seems like the old her has fallen into a black hole. No where to be found.

Getting married, to me, doesn't mean losing oneself. My friend, has sadly gone that route. We'll still be friends, but I know it won't be the same. It's not because she's gone totally mad about the wedding details, but because she no longer is here. She has lost herself and she has become they.

12 comments:

Hanlie said...

I had a friend who did exactly the same thing... She's been married for 5 years now and I've seen her exactly three times. We phone each other only on birthdays.

Before she met her Mr Wonderful, we used to see each other about 4 times per week!

I, on the other hand have changed very little since I met my husband. He knew from the outset that my friends are very important to me and appreciates that they support me emotionally, so that it's not all on him! My two best friends are both unmarried and we are still very close. We make time for one another, but also spend time together when my husband is there.

It really is all about priorities. Of course my husband comes first, but my close friends are right up there. I wouldn't dream of neglecting them. Having said that, I have almost completely fallen away from my casual friends. There's only so much of me to go around! Hubby and I also really need to make some couple friends...

ani pesto said...

Sorry to hear that. Doesn't mean it's necessarily forever though. I had a very close friend go the same way, when she met her Mr. Wonderful we only ever saw each other on nights when he'd already made plans - she'd never prioritse me anymore, she never made decisions for herself and our friendship changed.

BUT - a few years down the track and she settled into her new wife role more securely and we got it back. It's not entirely the same because she has children and they make a whole new set of demands, but she has come back to me and I'm glad I didn't lose touch, she's an amazing woman.

As the wedding excitement dies down I hope the Bride too finds that balance and you get your friend back.

SeaShore said...

I was thinking along the same lines as ani pesto. After the newlywed insanity has worn off, you may find your friend again.

Gigi said...

Once the reality of losing yourself in a marriage hits (and it may not for everyone) you may find your friend back to her old good ways. We all go through so many stages and not everyone who was with us early in the journey stays close. Give it some time - she may surprise you. It's hard to watch it happening when you're aware of it and she's not. Best friends are so hard to come by and sometimes even harder to keep as long as we wish we could.

Shelley said...

That's sad. Hopefully she will come back to herself...but you do wonder why she had to leave in the first place?

Aleta said...

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your friend. She'll regret it later in life.

I'm fortunate that one of my close friends appreciates our "friendship time" where we can get together, catch a chic flic and dinner and our husbands don't mind.

Sadly, there's another friend of mine that her husband doesn't "allow" her to go out with her friends. This used to be an independent, outspoken woman who is more a crushed spirit now... very sad.

We don't have to lose ourselves or our friends, be it single, dating or married.

Miz said...

ouch and I HAVE BEEN THERE.

it still amazes me at 40 how friends have married (recently) and simply become an appendage of their husband. changed entirely.

In a few circumstances though, once all the wedding hoopla settled and the honeymoon was done and regular life came back into play, things have returned to not normal but a NEW NORMAL.

here's hoping that happens to you as well.

Sagan said...

I'm really sorry to hear that. Change isn't always desirable.

MackAttack said...

I love having my husband around, but there is nothing like girl time. You can't have the same experience when a boy is around, you just don't.

Asianmommy said...

Sorry to hear that. Perhaps things will change once the honeymoon phase has passed.

H.K. said...

So sad to hear when someone loses themselves in a relationship. Hopefully down the line she'll realize this.

destinationathlete said...

I agree with ani pesto and SeaShore....hopefully The Bride will return to be Your Friend once the newlywed hoopla has died down.

I too, have been there and done that and yup. Sucks. Hard.

*hugs*