Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Sex Lives of the 40-Something Mothers

Last week I had some girl friends over for a little wine and cheese. It was a 40-something-mothers get together. The four of have been friends for several years and we make sure to see each other once a month. It's really a moment of sanity for all of us and a break from our lives for just one night a month. We of course talked about the children, who is going to what pre-school, or starting a new grade, and all the different camps they've been going to this summer. We also talked about our latest kiddo challenges, we're in the midst of potty training, so and so is doing this or that. We talked about our jobs, our summer vacations, our spouses and our favorite topic, our sex lives.

We are all very candid and for some reason, the topic of our sex lives has been an ongoing theme as of late. Across the board our challenge is the lack of a playful, fun sex life. We're all busy, tired, and sadly, sex is down on the list of priorities. I know we're talking 20 minutes or so, but still those 20 minutes of peace and quiet, laying in bed, sure are precious moments. And besides after a day of having a child clamor and paw on us all day, having some big hairy dude wanting to paw and clamor me doesn't always seem like fun. Really, The Husband isn't big (in a bad way) or hairy, I just threw those words in for effect. We talk about our challenges and after these nights with the girls I'm thinking if this is how it is for the 4 of us, I'm pretty sure it's happening to a lot of you as well.

One of the gals is actually having a lot of sex but the trying-to-get-pregnant again variety. She and her husband have been married for nearly 20 years and finally had their first child 2 years ago, long after the last glimmer of ever getting pregnant had faded away. That trying-to-get-pregnant kind of sex really isn't that much fun. It's calculated and almost feels like a duty. It's down and dirty, but sadly, not in the fun down and dirty sense.

Then there's hotel girl. She and her husband go to a hotel about every four months to jump start their sex lives. As she puts it, "we do it there and it doesn't seem that bad, so we end up having a good sex life for a while until it dwindles down, then we go again." Add in her favorite toy and that doesn't seem like a bad way to go.

Another gal has gone through menopause and her sexual desire has completely left her. Gone, done, bye-bye, adios. She's in the midst of trying to get her mojo back and made a trek to a shop and bought one of these. She was going to use it for the first time this past weekend. We jealously wished her luck and told her to report back.

We talked about toys, what works, what doesn't. It's hard to find a nice shop, geared toward women, for things we're looking for. We all agreed we didn't like shopping at the local porn shop because of the creep factor. We don't want to buy on line because of the amount of possible spam, and even if it is sent in a discrete box, it might fall into the wrong hands. Finding the right something is important and, honestly, don't you want to touch and feel first? I do.

This talk amongst this group of friends if refreshing. It's fun, it's playful and it's informative. It's too bad the subject of our sexual beings and the pleasure we get from it or the challenges we have have to be so disguised and talked about in such secretive manner. It's part of who we are. We're all here because of it and sheesh people, we're having sex. I understand there is a time and place for everything, I'm just glad I have a time and place to share, listen and learn and hope you do to.


Lynn said...

Ok, I am now completely in love with you! (No, no, I don't mean that in a creepy way...) Thanks for stopping by my blog. And I will definitely be back!

Seriously, I wish I had a group of friends to talk about sex with, because honestly, I love talking about it almost as much as I love doing it, but most of my friends are pretty repressed.

Christine said...

I'm like, the only person my age who's married.

Somehow that disallows me from talking about my sex life to anyone. Sucks.

Mark Salinas said...

It is healthy to have such open conversation...good for you! :)

new*me said...

I need more friends like that. Hubby and I are at a wierd place right now..he's 7 yrs younger. He wants it ALL THE TIME! I don't. I am really trying but there's just so much going on with all the little ones it's hard to feel romantic sometimes. I am trying though ;) Less than twice a week and he's in a depression!

Sagan said...

Oh you're so right. These are important topics that ought to be addressed!

I was talking with my sister the other day about getting sugared and grooming etiquette. They never tell you that stuff in magazines, so you just have to figure it out on your own, which sucks. If we were all a little bit more open about discussing such issues then there would be much less confusion and much more satisfaction! Thank goodness for friends to talk to about sex.

Allison said...

I too wish I had a group of friends I could talk to openly. Hell, I wish I had a group of friends I could plan on hanging out with once a month!
By the way, I loved your motto you posted yesterday. :)

MizFit said...

I too am totally girlcrushing you as well.

Im hotel girl.
now may I join in the next soiree?



Christa said...

I'm getting to the point where I want sex more than not. My husband works away from home, so we see each other every other weekend; most of my friends assume that we are like rabbits but most of our time together is spent with the 4 yr old and 2 yr old bosses that run this house :) I like the idea of the hotel...

Heather said...

sounds like fun! wine cheese and sex talk! cant beat that. but in all seriousness, its great you have friends you can talk openly about things with and I know that helps. I dont have kids or am married, but my work is my job and my marriage (sad but true), so often I feel that way when it comes time to having sex with my boyfriend. I am way too tired and just want time to sleep or do something by myself.

Manuela said...

I think that's what friendship is all about--sharing frank and open conversations with each other whether it's good or bad.

I really enjoyed your post prior to this one. I felt that way too and is one reason I'm not wanting to post about weight. I find the topic boring of late even though I'm still doing well.

Mix things up and remember I'mPossible :)

Cammy said...

Oh yes, we are going to get along just fine. :)

It's a shame so many women (well, so many people, I suppose) are inhibited in talking about sex. I once had a friend tell me she didn't appreciate 'smut talk'. My offense? I said the word 'orgasm'. Out loud. Sheesh.

Irish Mom said...

lol, I am like you, I just want to be left alone sometimes!! I feel like someone always wants something from me... whether its juice, a cookie, or some a$$!! I often joke that I am asexual.

Pattie said...

Oh, how I wish I could have been part of that girls-night-out! There's just nothing better than hanging with the girls and talking about sex!

Well, expect maybe HAVING sex! LOL!

I was interested in reading about menopause women cause I’m in that boat, too. My libido has disappeared completely. I can respond and enjoy if hubby initiates. But I just never think about sex any more. Waaaa!

Vibrators? Hotels? Hmmm... maybe there's hope. ;-)

Anonymous said...

It's great to have a close friend network to talk about things with! Have a great week!

Ready to Shrink said...

I agree with Lynn. Totally relating to you, though I am only 31 as of right now.

I have a little group (3 of us) married and in our 30s that meet once a month for our dinner and do about the same thing. It's awesome. :)

Twix said...

Wow! How neat to have such great friends to be so open with. ;) Sex...what's that? Lol!!