I'm Not Quite Back Yet, But She Is

Just in case you haven't heard through the roar of applause, the lovely Hanlie is back! Go check her out to hello.

The Busy Life of Me

It's Monday again after a super busy, but super fun weekend. I'll just say my laundry mostly consisted of beach towels and I had to shake off, dust off, or wash off about 4.8 pounds of sand from every beach toy, little girl or cooler that we brought to the beach this weekend. I'm parched, my skin a bit sunburned and now I sit gearing up for my last full week of work.

The past week and this week, my blogging life is being pushed aside so I can finish up some projects at work that need be turned over to other people at the end of the week. There's a lot I've taken on and want to finish before I can feel good about passing the torch. So please hang in there with me, I'll try and sneak away for some moments here and there to catch up on what my peeps are doing out there. Just know I miss you all and I'll be headed your way soon.

Have a great week. Make it successful and remember it's not impossible it's I'm Possible.

Kinda Like the Olden Days

I can't believe the first thing I shoved in my pie whole this morning was a chocolate chip cookie. What's up with that?

Oh well... I'll move forward and call it what it is. A disgusting move. Funny thing is, about 6 months ago that occurrence wouldn't have been anything out of the ordinary. If fact, not only would I have had one chocolate chip cookie, but more likely, several.

It's amazing that's how I was treating my body. I'm glad I'm not back there any more and have made really great strides in the right direction. In in return my body is thanking me. I am no longer as sluggish, no longer as tired and my overall sense of well being and spirit is far better than it was not all that long ago.

The Past Meets The Present

On Sunday The Husband and I went out with another couple on our monthly, let's get stupid because we don't have the monkeys with us, night out. We went to a local brewery where I indulged in a couple mango margaritas, some nachos, steak bites and a whole bunch of nonsense. Super fun night. As we were leaving I ran into a guy that at one time, when I was single and fun, had a HUGE crush on and had actually had a drunken booty call with. Yep, had sex with him. We chatted for awhile, I introduced The Husband and our friends, we kissed cheeks and parted ways.

Off we went to our next destination just down the street and what is there but yet another guy I had hooked up with. Once again, when I was single and fun. Oh lordy. The Husband and the other couple all know him, but no one knows of our little evening of adult fun. We all chatted for a few minutes trying to fill the conversation with witty banter, we kissed cheeks and parted ways.

That was two in one night!!! And it's not like my list is all that long. Sheesh! Just so you all don't think I'm some loosey goosie, here's my story, the short version of a long tale.

All through college, I dated one guy. On paper he was the perfect match. He had moral values that matched mine, he was kind, he loved his parents and family, had an MBA, owned his own business but still balanced having fun. On our last summer together, we camped from the top of Washington State all the way down the Oregon Coast and into California. We sadly parted ways at the end of the trip. He was headed back to Hawaii and I wanted to stay on the Mainland. It was hard but we were just on different paths. In our tearful good-byes we knew our lives were not meant to be with each other.

After him, I dated a string of one not appropriate guy after another. There were probably 3 all told. Until I met Steve when I was in my late 20's. He was the one that really made a difference in my life. He was a renaissance man. He loved wine, fine foods, art. He knew about so much, he was incredibly smart. He was different from the rest. I spent 7 years with him. I fell in love. He broke my heart. We sat in the counselor's office, me on the couch, he on the chair, she facilitating his dirty work. I can still hear the words,
"Steve, do you see a future with her?"
"No"

My last words to him that day were, "make sure you pay the nice lady." I walked out of that torture chamber and onto the rest of my life. A better person for having been there.

I was in my mid 30's, single, recovering from a heart-ache that seemed to last too long but those words burned in my ears. There was no going back. I relied on friends to keep me busy and my mind occupied. I learned who I was without anyone in my life and I met a whole new set of people that knew me and didn't know that at one time I was a part of a couple. I had my identity and I was happier than I could imagine. I was fun and I was single. I was living life on my terms and in this time of glorious singlehood was when I hooked up with the two guys we ran into on Sunday. It was also the time when I met The Husband. Who, by the way I did not have a drunken booty call with. I made him wait.

It's still awkward for me to see people I've shared those intimacies with and especially awkward when The Husband is there. I'm not sure why but I suspect it's because I can't imagine going back to those days of being single and fun because now, I'm married, thankfully to the right man, but still fun.

Blogging Duldrums

I sit at my computer.

The cursor sitting there, blink, blink, blink.

Nothing.

Blink, blink, blink.

I have work to do and nothing much to say.

Weekend good.

Monday bad.

I'm tired.

Blink, blink, blink.

Off to read blogs for some inspiration.

My Life is About to Change

This whole part time work deal is starting to shape up FAR better than I ever, in a gazillion years, imagined.

For the past 2 years, I've been working 6:30a to 3:30p and rushing off to pick up The Little Miss from her personal servants, I mean nannies. That means in 2 years, Monday through Friday, I have had absolutely NO time to myself except for little brief moments here and there, including the 6 minute drive I have to work.

About 2 months ago, The Little Miss started preschool 3 days a week going from 9a-1p. We've managed to juggle the pick-up/drop-off dilemma by relying on friends and family to drop off The Little Miss and the Nannies to pick up. We also made the decision I would go part-time so I could be available to do those duties on a daily basis . In September, she'll be going 5 days a week.

At some point in the distant future, The Little Miss was going to start staying the afternoons, napping at school and pick-up would be around 4:30p. Nice. Well, that distant future is happening MUCH sooner than I thought since she announced last Friday that she wanted to stay there with her "big friends." She's done the same both days this week and just like, she's napping there and staying all day. Did you just hear that? ALL DAY!

What this means for me is I'm going to have me some free time. Every. Single. Day. Hours of it. All by myself. No husband. No busy 2 year old. Do you understand just how much I can do in 3 1/2 hours every single day? I am totally beside myself and can't help walking around in a daze, with glazed over eyes and a sly little smirk on my face.

I haven't really spelled out the fact that I'm going to have so much time to The Husband. I figure, he's a smart guy and has already put the pieces together that I'm getting a pretty good deal here. Besides, whenever I talk about it I get all giddy and can stop smiling. I feel like I'm getting away with something naughty.

A Quick Survey...

Taking out the whole trying to lose weight component, which would you rather give up... naps or desserts?

Me, desserts.

You?

Sex Lives of the 40-Something Mothers

Last week I had some girl friends over for a little wine and cheese. It was a 40-something-mothers get together. The four of have been friends for several years and we make sure to see each other once a month. It's really a moment of sanity for all of us and a break from our lives for just one night a month. We of course talked about the children, who is going to what pre-school, or starting a new grade, and all the different camps they've been going to this summer. We also talked about our latest kiddo challenges, we're in the midst of potty training, so and so is doing this or that. We talked about our jobs, our summer vacations, our spouses and our favorite topic, our sex lives.

We are all very candid and for some reason, the topic of our sex lives has been an ongoing theme as of late. Across the board our challenge is the lack of a playful, fun sex life. We're all busy, tired, and sadly, sex is down on the list of priorities. I know we're talking 20 minutes or so, but still those 20 minutes of peace and quiet, laying in bed, sure are precious moments. And besides after a day of having a child clamor and paw on us all day, having some big hairy dude wanting to paw and clamor me doesn't always seem like fun. Really, The Husband isn't big (in a bad way) or hairy, I just threw those words in for effect. We talk about our challenges and after these nights with the girls I'm thinking if this is how it is for the 4 of us, I'm pretty sure it's happening to a lot of you as well.

One of the gals is actually having a lot of sex but the trying-to-get-pregnant again variety. She and her husband have been married for nearly 20 years and finally had their first child 2 years ago, long after the last glimmer of ever getting pregnant had faded away. That trying-to-get-pregnant kind of sex really isn't that much fun. It's calculated and almost feels like a duty. It's down and dirty, but sadly, not in the fun down and dirty sense.

Then there's hotel girl. She and her husband go to a hotel about every four months to jump start their sex lives. As she puts it, "we do it there and it doesn't seem that bad, so we end up having a good sex life for a while until it dwindles down, then we go again." Add in her favorite toy and that doesn't seem like a bad way to go.

Another gal has gone through menopause and her sexual desire has completely left her. Gone, done, bye-bye, adios. She's in the midst of trying to get her mojo back and made a trek to a shop and bought one of these. She was going to use it for the first time this past weekend. We jealously wished her luck and told her to report back.

We talked about toys, what works, what doesn't. It's hard to find a nice shop, geared toward women, for things we're looking for. We all agreed we didn't like shopping at the local porn shop because of the creep factor. We don't want to buy on line because of the amount of possible spam, and even if it is sent in a discrete box, it might fall into the wrong hands. Finding the right something is important and, honestly, don't you want to touch and feel first? I do.

This talk amongst this group of friends if refreshing. It's fun, it's playful and it's informative. It's too bad the subject of our sexual beings and the pleasure we get from it or the challenges we have have to be so disguised and talked about in such secretive manner. It's part of who we are. We're all here because of it and sheesh people, we're having sex. I understand there is a time and place for everything, I'm just glad I have a time and place to share, listen and learn and hope you do to.

I'm Possible

Sometimes I feel so alone. I know I have wonderful family and friends, I have this network of people whose lives I know about through blogs and I have a supportive base of readers. We're all in this together and I know we are all struggling and having successes together. We say words to pick each other up when the motivation lacks and we all celebrate when things are good. But when it comes to making those choices, we're all alone. We aren't there to hold each others hand and tell each other what to do, it's our inner strength which we rely on and sometimes it's hard and exhausting.

To make this all work for me, it's me that has to get motivated to exercise, it's me that has to make the right food choices, it's me that has to know when enough is enough and it's me that has to put down that fork and step away. No one else can do it for me. It's all me.

This weekend, I was tired. I was unmotivated and I was very ambivalent to my choices. It just seemed like I had had enough of the constant voice in my head saying "do the right thing. is that a good choice? is that the best you can do? if you have *that*, you're going to gain weight." Augh, I was done. Done, done, done. And my weekend was a total bust. I felt guilty most of the weekend, I slept poorly, and I feel very sluggish today.

It was all me. All my choices, all my lack of motivation and I hold myself responsible for it. Even though it was nice to know what was going on, I didn't like it, but did it anyway. I need to remember to be strong, to hang tight and let this weekend go.

My motto this week, and beyond:

It's not Impossible it's I'm Possible.

Do You Want It?

Here's another give-away of sorts, read on.

I've been slowly moving my larger clothes from the dresser to bags which will eventually make their way to a garage sale or a thrift shop. Most of the clothes which are migrating from one place to the next are well worn and quite honestly have seen better days. However, there are pieces here and there which, for some reason, I just never got around to wearing too much. Mainly, I think, because I had my favorites which I was more comfortable in. As I was culling through some more clothes last night, I came across this skirt. I remember buying it on sale at Talbot's a couple weeks before I declared, "That's it. I *have* to lose weight." It fit me at the time but it quickly became to big for me. I must have worn the skirt just a small handful of times.

So, do you want it? If there is anyone who would like it, email me at biggirl65@gmail.com or you can leave me a comment. I'd be happy to send it on to it's next life somewhere else. It's super comfortable, easy to wash/wear and made of of that lovely stretch denim. If there's more than one person interested I'll do a random drawing.

It's hard to see, but it's a size 16 (which I think is a "generous" 16) and the picture makes it look a little darker than it really is.

Ta-Da!

And the winners are...

The ultra fabulous DaDiva's Street. Her biggest day came on the last day where she ticked off 32,780 steps. HOLY MOLY. I sure hope you had someone there to rub down your little tootsies after that long walk.

In second came the wonderful Megan from Journey to a New Me. You should all go over, check out what she's going to be doing in September and support her in her efforts. Looks amazing and talk about accomplishments, wow! Good luck to you.

And the third place stepper is that succulent morsel Allison from Losing It. Miss Allison is looking for a new job so if any of you have any leads for a wonderful journalist, she's the gal.

I also am giving away some piece of jewelry made by your truly so I put all the names in the hat and once again, Allison is the winner, winner, winner. I'll be letting her pick something she wants and getting it to her.

I want to thank everyone for playing along and indulging me in my first contest/give-away. To all the fabulous ladies who participated, you're all good peeps in my book.

The Protein Dilema

It's hard feeding kids. Or at least it's been a challenge lately with The Little Miss. I really try to get her to eat lots of veggies and fruit and offer her a variety of flavors and food options although Mac 'n Cheese reigns supreme in our house and is sadly my go to meal for her. I try and sneak in veggies/protein in there but that doesn't always work. Sometimes I'm just happy that she eats something.

She's great with the fruit, no problem there.

Veggies are another story completely. Sometimes peas are ok, sometimes not. Tomatoes, no. Broccoli, no. Carrots, were in the yes category, now, no. Cucumbers, no. The no list goes on.

And protein. Sheesh... Hamburgers, no. Chicken, sometimes. Steak, no. Hotdogs, no. Beans, sometimes. Tofu, sometimes. Eggs, no. Peanut butter, no.

And when I mean sometimes, I mean maybe a bite, maybe two.. Never a serving size, even a two year old serving size.

She's been getting her main source of protein through her cups of milk.

Bottom line is on a daily basis, she wasn't getting enough protein so I thought I'd try some "protein" bars. She's a happy camper eating them and she gets them occasionally when I feel her diet is really really lacking.

To make a long story even longer, I thought it would be best if I tried the bars to see what they tasted like and oops! I'm kinda in love with them now and I'm a bit confused.

I've been buying ThinkThin bars. I want to believe they're fine to have, but they just taste too good which makes me think they probably fall in the category of "if you think it's too good to be true, then it probably is."

I only have them when I'm super starving or have missed a meal.

Here's the skinny on them. On bar contains:

7 grams of fat
zero grams of sugar
20 grams of protein
27 grams of carbs
2 grams of dietary fiber
140 milligrams of sodium
240 calories

What do you think? Are they ok? What are your thoughts on "protein" bars?

_______________________________

Also, please stop by and say hello to Susie, she could use our good wishes right now.

August Plan

I'm back into the routine. I'm not so happy about it, but here I am. I have 3 1/2 more weeks of working full-time and right after Labor Day, I start the part time gig. I'm looking forward to not having so much of my life being sucked out of me every single day. Sitting at this place 8 hours a day is not a good thing for me.

I stepped on the scale this morning and ta-da! It still showed the same number as a week ago when I left on vacation. So all in all, not bad. Vacations have been a good excuse for an eating free for all and this time I feel as though I made smarter choices. We were able to eat in a lot, which helped, since we were staying at a friend's vacation home most of the time and when we did go out, I opted for leaner, healthier meals. That's not to say I didn't want the delicious sounding blue cheese, walnut and pear pizza drizzled with balsamic reduction sauce but I just held back and had the grilled blackened chicken sandwich. And yes, just for good measure, I did sneak a slice of The Little Miss' cheese pizza.

Over the next few weeks, I want to be really diligent and see if I can lose a few more pounds in August. And there's a good reason for it. While on vacation, I got a call from my BFF and she and her (super over possessive, creepy boyfriend) are coming out for a quick visit at the end of the month. She lives on the East Coast and I haven't seen her for about a year, way too long in my book but none-the-less, they've bought airline tickets and are heading West. Last time I saw her I was about 20 pounds heavier and not feeling good about myself at all. Ideally, I'd like to lose 5 pounds by the time she gets here but for me, that's a lot. Regardless, here's my plan for the month and I'll shoot high and see what happens:

Walk 3 times M-F and at least one LONG walk on Saturday or Sunday
Be extra diligent in my calorie intake and watch how much I eat
Eat slowly and deliberately
Stop eating before I am full
No sugar
Lots of water

__________________________________

I have emails in my inbox regarding the Big Girl Big Step Challenge and I promise, promise, promise, I'll have the winners by Friday. If you did participate and haven't emailed me about your results, please do so. biggirl65@gmail.com

By the Numbers

Vacation round-up by the numbers:

7 states I've been in in the last week
1169 miles driven
3 planes taken
4 airports visited
2 hotels we slept in
1 vacation home
0 stops at McDonald's
$4.43 the most we paid for gas
$4.02 the least we paid for gas
3 baseball games attended
3 baseball stadiums visited
1 cowboy BBQ attended (yeah for wranglers!)
7 naps taken
427 pages read in my book
2 movies watched
0 loads of laundry done

It was a great vacation. It was so nice to spend time and have fun with the family. I need to remember this is what life if about. It's relaxing, taking things in stride, having fun and nurturing the relationships that matter.

Trying to Love Again

Three years ago today, I found out I was pregnant. Although I ate well, I also ate for two. I ended up gaining about 35 pounds and my post pregnancy body is very different from the one I had before I got knocked up. I lost most of the baby weight with in the first few months after The Little Miss was snuggled tightly in my arms, and I remember thinking, oh, this isn't so bad, I only have another 5 pounds to go before I'm the same weight pre-pregnancy.

The months turned into years and I never did lose those last 5 pounds, in fact I proceeded to put on about 15 pound over the next 2 years. It's those pounds and a more that I have been recently shedding. I'm now down to below where I was at 3 years ago but my body is different. Much different

I have stretch marks racing across my belly, thighs and breasts. I have a very loose and squishy belly from the weigh gain and as much as I work out I will never have the toned flat belly again. My stomach looks a lot like the picture on the left (the right is post tummy tuck and no, that's not me)

I have lost muscle tone and elasticity, and it will never come back. And I hate it. It's hard for me to look at my stomach in the mirror and hard for me to have my husband look at it let alone touch it.

Buying clothes can be tricky. I look for baby doll style tops but I have to be careful they don't make me look pregnant. I wear lots of long tops to cover the belly and regardless of what I do, it is impossible to disguise the extra weight in my belly.

Having to hide and be embarrassed about my belly is awful. It's so ugly to me and I am totally ashamed by it. I turn around so The Husband won't see. I avoid bathing suit situations like the plague and it's exhausting. But mainly I just want to come to terms with it. This is how my body is shaped and I'm having a hard time finding a way to love it again.

I don't know what to do. I want to be okay with it but I'm not. Recently, I've thought about plastic surgery, (I mean, come on... if I can look like that after picture, I'd be OK with that) but that seems so dramatic. It seems like the last ditch effort, that I've failed in some way or that I'm vain.

This is my daily struggle. Trying to love this new body of mine. Adjusting to the scars. I know I have a lot to show for it, but it's really really hard to love these marks which are the road map of my life that has been left on body.