Back to My Life

Well I'm back from vacation and back to the real life. Unfortunately my wireless Internet signal was "very low" and excruciatingly S....L....O....W. It reminded me of the ol' wonderful "I've got so much time on my hands" dial-up days. I feel like I've been out of touch and have blogs to read and comments to make and emails to send and now this whole work thing is getting in my way again. I'm not sure when the rest of you find time to blog but, I almost exclusively do it while I'm at work. (Hi boss! that tap, tap, tap is me really writing that proposal you asked me to do.) But really folks when else am I going to find a little time to peck the keyboard with my thoughts? I get up at 5:30am, work 6:30-3:30 and then go pick up TLM from her Nanny Olga, then I have the rest of the afternoon to entertain a busy 2 year old. Then it's time to start thinking about making dinner, and the whole night time, bed time routine. By 8:30 when TLM goes to bed, I'm totally exhausted and crawl into bed myself by 9:07 or whatever time I get finished watching myself some American Idol. When do you all blog? I'm curious, maybe I'm missing something but work time seems to scream blog time to me.

Anyways, I digress. It does feel good to get back to my routine and my normal life. I'm back to the same sensible breakfast, I'm walking at lunch today and hopefully will be taking another walk after work. I managed to step on the scale this morning to check out the potential damage but I was actully down 1.5 pounds! I'm sure all those fries, cheese and buttered bread I ate will come back to haunt me in a couple of days, for some reason, they still must be on vacation.

On Vacation

I'm on vacation and it seems as though I've left my will power and ability to make good food decisions at home. Crap.

Getting Lighter 2 Ways

For some reason today I have that song in my head that goes "da, da, da, da, hey he-ey good-bye. da, da, da, da, ...da, da, da, da, hey he-ey good-bye." I stepped on the scale today 10 pounds lighter than 4 weeks ago, when I started this thing of mine. 10 pounds folks! yipee! can you see me doing my happy dance? I was thrilled. I knew I was getting pretty close to that 10 pound mark, and I haven't weighed myself in a few days so this morning I thought I'd give it a whirl and low and behold, ta da!...the scale read 10 pounds lighter.

Seeing that lower number has giving me a bit of a boost of confidence to know that I can lose weight. Yes, this new life is a big change. Yes, it's hard at time. Yes, it's frustrating. Yes, it's going to be a slow process. Yes, I know this is the easiest 10 pounds I'm going to lose, but yes, I can do this.

I also figured that shedding my first 10, would bring a smile on my face so, as my "reward" I started using these today. I saw a picture of myself taken a couple of weeks ago and the first thing I noticed, was my yellow teeth. Seriously, yellow. When did I have time to do that? They were so discolored I even tried, (unsuccessfully) to photoshop them before I posted it to my Kodak Gallery account. So there in that account, embarrassing as it is, is a great picture of TLM and me with my mouthful of yellow.

I know I'm going to be sounding like a dreaded infomercial testimonial but today was day one, and really I think I can see a difference. Really. Truly. They are super easy to use, easy to put on and possibly the best thing about using the strips is it only takes 5 minutes a day. I mean really, who can't manage 5 minutes a day? And.. you can do stuff while your teeth are magically turning from yellow to white. I figure, I'll put them in right before my shower and when I'm in there, I can just take them out, no muss, no fuss. vio-la! I'll post a before and after picture for ya'll when I get through.

And, no this had not been a paid presentation but I am Big Girl and I approve this product.

Struttin' it Just Right

Is it just me or does this seem like a lot to remember?

Reunited and it Feels So Good

This past weekend I rediscovered a past love. We were introduced about 10 years ago and we were really really tight for several years. We would visit almost everyday, and I'd spend hours and hours with that love. But at some point in my life things shifted. I tried to hang on but it seemed like other interests held my attention more. I met a man that would later become my husband, I had a child (The Little Miss/TLM) and life seemingly became really really busy. Even though I missed you, it just didn't seem like I had any time for you. I'm so sorry. My body is sorry.

But this past weekend we met up again and it came back to me. Oh how I have missed you. My body missed you and you even made me a little sore, you know that soreness. Sore, but in a very very good way. I saw you on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and I'm hoping we can sneak some time in during the week. I need you. I need you to help transform me. The exercise is good for my body and the solitude and time away from the Husband and TLM are good for my soul. You give me a little time to think, to unwind, to reflect. I think differently when we're together, life is good with you and the more time we're together the better I feel.

There's a lot I'm expecting from this new relationship. I'm hoping, I'll get my old body back, or at least a reasonable facsimile of it, increase my endurance and cardio strength, lower my blood pressure and generally get into better shape.

Oh my beloved walks, I have missed you. I'm so glad we're back together and like it or not, I'm going to be seeing you a lot.

_____________________________________________

It was this that got me started again and I couldn't be happier.

The Silence That Broke the Friendship

I had a dear friend and we haven't spoken in nearly two years. I know exactly how long it's been since our last conversation in person, because it was on Mother's Day, two years ago when she came by my house. It was my very first Mother's Day, being a new Mama, and I was enjoying the day. She had called earlier in the day to tell me she had something for me, which was just like her. She was the one friend I had that never missed an opportunity to send a card, remembered all the important dates and was the first to send her congratulations and well wishes.

One of her many hobbies, which filled her days, was painting. She'd re-do a painting over and over until she got it "just right" to her critical eye. The walls of her house were filled with landscapes and still-lifes, never to be sold, painting mainly for her own enjoyment. For my engagement, she surprised me with a painting of the building where I met my future husband. She thoughtfully incorporated the name of the bar, the date we met and added fireworks to the painting that, to this day, still proudly hangs in our entryway as a reminder of the beginnings of our relationship and what's grown from that day.

A year or so into my marriage, I found myself holding a little bundle, sleep deprived and enjoying "my" day. She came over and instantly, from the size of the present, I knew she had other painting for me. I was once again thrilled and stunned that someone would take the time to do something that special for me. I couldn't wait to rip the wrapping paper off to unveil the image. Together we sat on the couch, I opened my present only to be left speechless. Speechless in a bad, very bad, way. I tried to fake it but I just couldn't bring myself to feign excitement. My face dropped, my mind raced spinning in circles trying to come up with the right words...quickly. I couldn't let this awkward silence last too long.

What could I say? I was staring at a picture of myself in my hospital gown, in the hospital bed, with reminders of those first days when it was really hard for me, holding my newborn. But it wasn't me and it wasn't my newborn. I was looking at memories of a time that wasn't the happiest time of my life, it was a time I was so scared I'd made a mistake, a time I was trying to hide from. And all in a painting that just didn't look like me, it was all askew, arms angled in positions that aren't normal and skin tones that aren't found in real life. It was all, just not right.

I'm not sure what I said or what she said back but those words were the last time we spoke. I must have thanked her but my words were empty compared to the look in my eyes. It's not the response she was looking for and it hurt her. I hurt her. I just couldn't help it.

It was only silence I got from her after that. I knew in my heart, her absence in my life stemmed from those moments. I tried to ignore it and hoped time would heal the wound but I knew better. Months later, I emailed her, she said she was embarrassed and wished she had never taken the liberty to impose such personal moment to her canvas. I told her it was all ok, but for her the damage had been done and so was the relationship we once had.

I still have that painting and always will. For me, for someone to take the time and effort to do something so thoughtful is an incredibly giving gesture, one that far out weighs the bad memories of the gift gone wrong.

L-if for some reason you somehow come across this, I love you and always will. You are a sweet, thoughtful and caring woman. I can only wish we could both take back those moments two years ago.

_______________________________________________________________

It's true, in most cases it's the thought that counts. Too bad it just didn't work out that way this time. No matter if I win the $250 to easy my pains at the spa, or not, it's been cathartic to ease my pains through the written word. Check out other "Gifts Gone Right, Gifts Gone Wrong" stories at:
http://www.getinherhead.com

or
http://blog.parentbloggers.com

Let's Walk the Walk

One of the reasons I started this blog was I wanted to have a sense of accountability to someone other than myself. To know I was going to be writing what was going on makes me think twice about my actions, what I'm doing and what I'm eating. Another reason I started this blog is I felt if I had other people following me on this journey and supporting me along the way the chances of keeping my motivation up would be far greater. Sharing struggles, ideas and successes along the way can really make this more about the journey rather than being able to, once again, fit into a size 12, or 10 or whatever, again. Is it the mentality of "misery loves company?" We ALL know that this watching what we eat, drinking 16 gallons of water a day and agonizing about those silly numbers on a scale isn't always fun and games.

So, to keep it fun and to do something together, I've decided to join in on this. Today is my first day, we'll see how I do and I'm really quite interested in how many steps I do take. I'm just hoping that the bigger the numbers on my pedometer translate into smaller numbers on the scale. So my dear interneters, let's walk the walk together and have some fun along the way!

A Sign

I was really enjoying my lunch today. Sitting outside, enjoying the fresh spring air and warming my body in the sun. On my plate, chicken and vegetarian beans covered in salsa verde. Delish... a real taste treat and up to that point, pretty much the highlight of my day. Half way through, in mid-bite, I feel a splat. I look down at my hand and yep, from the gods, or rather a bird, a big fat turd. I quickly wiped my hand, cleaned it up and proceeded to check the plate for the potential radio active fallout. With all that salsa and liquid from the beans it was hard to tell. Is that ok to eat? Is that the poop? What about that? I inspected every millimeter, and let me tell you, I inspected closely. I didn't want to give up that food, I was determined to persevere through. I was going to give it a try and for some reason just couldn't do it. The thought of accidentally eating bird poop just did me in.

It was a sign. A big fat sign that clearly stated, "You Must Stop Now!" And that I did.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The family and I took a road-trip vacation this weekend. All in all it was a lovely time and it was especially nice to spend some time unwinding from the hectic, reconnecting with my family and being on our schedule, not someone else's. Here's a few moments from this weekend that I wanted to share.

The Ugly.... this happened to me. I was totally mortified.

The Bad... eating food from a scary clown named Ronald.

The Good... 2 nice workout while on vacation.

Tight vs. Snug

I put on my pants this morning and my first thought was "hmmmm, these aren't as tight." Yes, I can still feel the pinch and pull when I move and yes, if I tried them on at a store I'd say they were a bit too small. But they're not feeling quite as tight.

My question to you is... Is there a difference between tight and snug?

A Small Victory

Around 10a we got an email "Doughnuts in the kitchen." Why people why? Why do you insist on bringing them in? Seriously, are you trying to torture me? I would watch as person after person would pass my desk on the way to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. A glint in their eyes, a smirk on their face, and that anxious look of anticipation, knowing they were going to be bad, that within moments they would be eating that deliciously sugary treat.

I sat at my desk only thinking about those doughnuts, that Old-Fashion calling my name, and thinking and thinking. Why is it that when I know there's something I want, that's ALL. I. CAN. THINK. OF. It's such torture.

Then I saw evidence. I blankly stared as those same people walked out of the kitchen holding their golden price. This time the look of love written all over their faces. Big eyes, their heads tilted to one side, just a bit, and a smile that said it all. I hated every single one of them.

But in the end, I prevailed, I willed my ass to stay seated. I didn't make excuses as to why I HAD to go to the kitchen. I just sat and slowly watched the clock tick away the moments, counting each tick, tick, tick as a small victory of my will.

My Reflection

There was a time when I'd be walking down the street and would catch a glimpse of myself in the store windows and I wouldn't mind. Today, the story is different. Now when I'm walking where, out the corner of my eye, I might see my reflection, I purposely turn my head. I don't want to face the fact that I really am bigger than I think I am. I'm scared to look.

Not too long ago, I was walking downtown past all the stores filled with all clothes too small for me, when I saw an image in the window. I thought to myself, "wow? who is that fat lady." only to realize that fat lady was me. It makes my heart skip a beat and takes my breath away, that I could have let myself get that way. When did THAT happen? Tell me, when? And how could I? How could I disrespect my body so much? My body... the one where my heart has to work harder, where my body aches so much, where it's too hard to paint my toe nails so I pay someone to do it for me? You know, the one and only body I have.

I've started to make some changes, albeit some small and some not so small. I'm trying to look at things differently, I'm trying to be real about my body, where it's at today and where I want it to be. I really want to get back to the days where I'm not scared to look. I've opened my eyes now I just need to like what I see.

Something Smaller?

I made it through the weekend pretty unscathed. I feel as though I did really well eating wise, considering we had dinner out on Saturday, and a birthday celebration on Sunday. I went for walks both days and really watched what I ate and made good choices on my meals. Lots of veggies, grilled salmon for our dinner out and only one small slice of birthday cake, I even passed on the ice cream.

It's now back to the week and I've got to find some time for exercise. That's really one piece of the puzzle I'm really struggling with. Since I get to work so early, the mornings are for sure out for me. In the afternoon, if I don't have something scheduled, I can easily pack up The Little Miss (TLM) and go for a walk. It's the weeks like this one, which seems to be too typical, where I have something to do almost every day after work. Monday was (another) party for TLM, Tuesday is book club (although I think I'll try and sneak in a walk today,) Wednesday is dinner down South, Thursday a guy I have worked with for years is coming into town so I'll probably go meet him for dinner, and Friday we're off for a long weekend vacation.

I guess I just have to remember to do the best I can and don't beat myself up if I can't do everything I want to. It's going to be a long slow process and all the small little victories and sacrifices will all add up to something big, or in this case, hopefully, something smaller.

Better Than Before

Well yesterday wasn't a great day, but looking back it was MUCH better than before.

Before (B): Cookies/chocolate for breakfast. I use to pack up about 6 Oreos and eat them ALL before lunch. If I was "good" I'd have four in the morning and save 2 for the afternoon. I'd also pack in a bagel and cream cheese sometime before noon. And on doughnut days, I'd eat at least one Old Fashion.
Yesterday (Y): Toast and hummus, one bite of doughnut (yes, someone brought some in), 2 Thin Mints and a couple bites of a breakfast burrito.

B: Quick pizza lunch w/ salad, pepperoni pizza and ranch dressing for the pizza
Y: Quick pizza lunch w/ salad with extra veggies, less dressing and a veggie pizza and no ranch dressing for the pizza

B: Cookies and candy or something sweet in the afternoon
Y: Nothing

Things I didn't eat that I was offered yesterday:

1. Peanut butter and banana panini
2. The entire breakfast burrito
3. The entire sleeve of cookies (which I've done before)
4. More than a bite of doughnut
4. Pepperoni and ranch dressing on my pizza
5. An afternoon sweet treat.

So, yes, yesterday wasn't great but it wasn't as disastrous as it could have been. I'm now psyching myself up to put only 1/2 the amount of cream cheese on my bagel as I usually do, because today is bagel Friday...whoo wooo!!!

Wish me luck over the weekend! I got a little girls 2 year old birthday just around the corner.

Let's Hope for Another Yesterday

I felt good yesterday. Good about my choices, good about the walk I took even though rain was in the forecast, good about how the day went.

Let's hope for another yesterday, even though I know someone put those evil Thin Mint cookies, sold by those innocent Girl Scouts, in the kitchen.

So Far Today...

No doughnuts this morning...good. Just the hummus, bread and some coffee.

For lunch, I actually turned down having nachos in favor of a salad with grilled veggies and chicken on it. Balsamic dressing and not ranch and some salsa for added flavor. Totally delish!

To make things better or worse, I watched my friend eat a full plate of beans, rice, a crunchy beef taco and a carnitas soft taco.

Oh, and one more things...we walked about a mile and a half getting to and from our lunch spot.

Let's hope it continues.

Another Day

So yesterday I thought went OK. My main struggle is, losing weight is a mental game. I think about it CONSTANTLY. What am I going to eat next, when am I going to eat, how bad is it if I eat ___________. It all kinda sucks. I want to eat, when I want to eat and what I want to eat but, I suppose that philosophy landed in me in this predicament in the first place.

I didn't strap the child in the stroller yesterday and go for my afternoon walk. Instead, I let her run free at the local elementary school at their playground. I climbed, slid and watched her have fun playing. Today though, a walk.

Food yesterday:

Wasabi peas
Sourdough toast w/ hummus
A bite of doughnut (someone brought in 2 doz for the office)
Coffee/Cream
Vegetarian beans
3/4 of a chicken enchilada
10 chips/salsa
Diet coke
Bite of dark chocolate
Snap peas/hummus for a snack
Piece of cheese
Orange Chicken
White rice
Broccoli/Green beans

Sheesh...seems like a lot and I suppose it is but it also seems better than what I have been shoving in my face.

The Plan

On paper this all seems so easy but as I can already tell it's all a mind game, staving off those thoughts of food, hunger and cravings. But, I've got a plan of action.

1. Be conscientious. Be aware of what goes in my mouth and make smart choices. I don't want to say, I'm not eating __________. That won't work for me.

2. Eat slower and enjoy my food.

3. Portion control. I can have want I want (see #1) but I can't have too much of it.

4. Seriously limit my sugar content. There's been many days where I've eaten cookies and candy before most people have gotten out of bed. When I think about it, it's gross and just not right.

5. Eat more fruit and veggies.

6. Exercise. It's hard to make time for the gym, but I live in a beautiful city where it's walkable almost every day. I have to make the time for that.

So basically the plan is this: Less food + more exercise = my goal. Easy peasy right?